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Post Info TOPIC: Eternal Love (romantic short story )


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Eternal Love (romantic short story )

Chapter 1

Its a beautiful summer afternoon and the last day of school ,Sade is at school at lunch talking with her friends..when she notices someone ,she glances at the girl
and sorta blushs and hides her face and watchs as this girl walks to the lunch line
to get herself something to eat,Sade turns to her friend " hey,who is that girl that just walked in.." Sam he chuckles and spoke " That is the lovely Fiona,i think she moved here from some other state ,cause she caused alot of problems or something
" Sam just shrugs.

Sade stands and twirls her hair and walks to Fiona and stands by her and speaks" Hi,I am Sade , I heard your new... right..? " Fiona smiles " yea..moved here from Arizona,I am really liking it here in Oregon.." Sade glances to her shoes and bites her inner lip" thats kewl,what is arizona like..? " Fiona " Hot...like a oven...and you can call me Fi if you want..I am 17..2 more weeks till i turn 18 " Sade smiles wide " Same i turn 18 in about a week or two...i was born july 7th 1988 , can you believe it that its 2007 ..time seems like its flying by." Fiona covers her mouth and laughs slightly " so what does this stink fest serve for lunch.? " Sade " nothing good...i eat it though..they mostly serve overly greasey fatty stuff..sometimes they serve something good ..but thats a rare day " Fiona smiles and gets her meal and follows Sade to the table she sits at with her friends.

Lunch is over and Fiona And Sade walk to there class as they both have Social Studies for there class after lunch,Fiona just stared at Sade during class somewhat paying attention and paying alittle more attention to Sade then she should have, the teacher called abit on Fiona ,who jerked and nearly knocked over her book and spoke" um b=12 " the teacher nodded and went back to giving his math speech and Fiona for the remaining time of class stared at Sade picturing going on dates with her and living with Sade for Eternity....or as long as she could .

Sade and Fiona and Sade's Friends waited in the bus loading area and Fiona and Sade traded phone numbers and went there ways saying goodbye and Sade and Fiona got home to there houses and called each other right away and talked for 3 hours on the phone getting to know each other...for those 3 hours.

(end of chap 1)



~ ModMother / The Cougar ~


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Posts: 2990

Sweet. Almost reminds me of a screenplay style of writing - almost. On a content level all is fine, very visual from the girl twirling her hair to the comment about the not-too-appetising food. You get a good sense of the character's discomfort and attraction. Who hasn't been a teenager in love at some point or another? Instantly you've got our attention because almost everyone to whatever degree can relate. This empathy is something useful for you to work with and exploit later down the track if you continue with this.

One thing, you may want to watch your sentence structure - at least add a few commas and full stops in along the way so the sentences dont drag out. You'll lose reader interest this way. Also you may want to think about spacing it out to make it easier to read. It's not that big of a chapter so starting a new line each time someone speaks wouldn't necessarily make it any more daunting to read than one mass of text. Not intentionally picking things out, but as a writer I feel honest feedback is generally more appreciated than people saying nothing - or maybe only telling you what you want to hear (if that's the case let me know and I'll gladly stop ranting! XD)

I just think this has good potential, it would be a shame for you to not expand on it a bit more and make it more 'presentable' so that more people could enjoy it - why else would you post otherwise, right? wink.gif


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