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Post Info TOPIC: V (vamp short story / possibly triggering / mature )


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V (vamp short story / possibly triggering / mature )
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Chapter 1

Sage was walking through the park to get some fresh air , when she saw the hottest guy from her school sitting on a bench alone with the gentle warmth of the sun beaming on his face . She couldnt resist and walked to X and sat down beside him and slightly bit her lip from nerves.

Sage swallowed " Hi, X "
X "Hello,Sage "
Sage blushs " how are you , X ..? "
X " I am good .. you do know that X is just a nickname of mine right..?"
Sage " yes, I think X makes you seem more Mysterious and poetic like , then your real name Xander "
X " I like how your mind , works Sage "

She softly chuckles , and cant but help to notice his lovely moon pale skin , his deep dark eyes and rosey pale lips , and unnatural whiteness to his teeth.

X glances to Sage " I'll see you tomorrow , in school right..? "
Sage " yes, of course ,I'd never ditch.."
X " that is true " he leans to her and Kisses her forehead.

Sage blushs as he smiles at her , leaving to his home . She watchs him walk away , That following morning Sage was in a hurry to get ready for school that she just spiked her hair as she kept it boyish short , she threw on her fsh net tights and plaid mini skirt that was safe for school and her shirt Supporting the band " Hurt " , and her fish net arm warmers and her bracelets and wrist band , and placed her Ipod in her pocket and blasted
"Summers lost by Hurt " into her ears as she walked the mile to school .

Sage (narraoting ) " this is my first week back , since my dad and little brother died , everyone knew it .. but X he understood death unlike anyone I've met before. My dad and little brother died 2 weeks ago and I was given leave to be less mopey and depressed for losing them.

The school was called "Black valley high" it was in Black valley , Washington . Sage walked up the long sidewalk of school when X gently grabbed her from her waist , Softly kissing her neck just below her earlobe.

Sage shivers " H..hello X "
X " hello, Sage.."
Sage " glad to be back "
X " it should be a fun year.."
Sage " Crap , today is the first year of school , isnt it ..? "
X " yep "
Sage " least its the first year.."

X chuckled and took Sage's hand and walked with her through the doors of the school , the kids fell silent as they never ever seen X taken up to a girl before , like he has with Sage.

X flashed his " I am dangerous and will kill you " Smile , and everyone went back to what they were doing , Luckly Sage and X shared a locker this year , so they walked to their locker.

X (narroating ) " when I first saw Sage , at the start of the school year when she first started , I couldn't believe such a girl existed , she is beautifully tanned , almost mocha like , her eyes are almost like looking into a auqa blue crystal ball , her lip are so smooth and her hair flawless , I couldnt help but not ignore her like the other girls.

Sage closed their locker and the two walked into art class.

Hoffman " Welcome back , everyone "
Everyone " Hello, Mr hoffman "
Hoffman " Today is self expression day , I want you all to express what you can't say in words on the canvas infront of you "
Everyone" Okay "

All the classmates , picked up there brushs and what not to make their art , as for Sage she owns her own paint and charcoal paints/crayons , and started away with the charcoal crayons with the outline before painting. X couldnt help but watch Sage work with her tools , he was transfixed on the beauty of the strokes she made with her hands and she seemed lost in her work.


End of chap 1

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You may have an interesting concept here, but you have two really big problems that prevent me from enjoying it. 


1. Formatting

Freedom of artistic expression is all well and good, but it can only stretch so far. You've got to learn\use proper grammar at the very least. I'm sorry, but with spaces where they don't belong, run-on sentences, missing apostrophes etc., it just looks sloppy. Can you imagine picking up a book at the library, opening it, and seeing something like this? I'd guess no.

Also try to utilize descriptive writing. As is this is basically bare dialouge, and for some stories that works - but not many. Reading through this as it is is a hurried, scant experience - it makes me feel like you didn't spend any time on it, and if its creator didn't, why should I? Set the scene a little. Tell us about the park - is it well-maintained, littered with plastic bags from neglect? What season is it? Besides that, why is Sage needing fresh air? Just try and beef it up some. Writing is all about details.



2. Mary Sue-ity

In case you're not familiar with the concept of a Mary Sue - which is no big deal, I only learned the term about five months ago - the basic idea is this: Mary Sue is a living cliche. She can be a perfect, blonde, bubbly-eyed cheerleader type, or a tortured, sensitive, damged, yet beautiful and artistic soul. Or any stereotype really. And while I believe Mary Sues do exist in real life, well, they're not story material. They're boring. The reader can usually see her moves and decisions ages in advance.

The way it looks now, Sage is a Mary Sue. She's damaged, but artistic, kinda punk-y, sort of an outcast I would guess, but the gorgeous guy sees her inner beauty or ... whatever ... and happiness ensues, after doubtless much drama wherein Sage will prove to either be a useless damsel in distress or a spunky fighter. My vote goes toward option B for now but it's really too early.

This is a test you can take to see if Sage really counts as a Mary Sue. I'm not saying it's flawless, or the be-all end-all of anything. But I'd advise you run her through it just to maybe highlight some points for yourself.

And finally
, if you don't feel it's a breach of privacy or sorts, I'd like to show you how I think just the opening few paragraphs could be written better.

Rewrite 1, for grammar

Sage was walking through the park to get some fresh air when she saw the hottest guy from her school sitting on a bench alone, with the gentle warmth of the sun beaming on his face. She couldn't resist and walked over to X and sat down beside him, biting her lip slightly because of nerves.

Sage swallowed. "Hi, X."
X said, "Hello, Sage."
Sage blushed. "How are you, X ...?"
X said, "I am good ... you do know that X is just a nickname of mine, right...?"
Sage said, "Yes, I think X makes you seem more mysterious and poetic-like than your real name, Xander."
X said, "I like how your mind works, Sage."

Now for interest. See how boring all that he-said, she-said stuff is? Mix it up some. Myself, I love dialouge - I'm guessing you do too - and I love making it as spicy as I can. So:

Rewrite 2, for interesting dialouge

Sage swallowed. Her voice came out in a squeak when she said, "Hi, X."
X smiled. "Hello, Sage," he said.
"How are you, X?" Sage asked, blushing.
"I am good ... You do know that X is just a nickname, right?"
Sage nodded eagerly. "Yes. I just think X makes you seem more mysterious and poetic than Xander does." Again she blushed, hoping she didn't sound silly, but X just kept smiling.
"I like how your mind works, Sage," he said.





I could doubtless keep going on and on and on, but honestly my eyes hurt from too much computer time right now. I hope this is helpful instead of intrusive or hurtful, and that I haven't scared you off of writing forever or anything smile.gif



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thank you , Jess ..

I'll try to rewrite it ...

I been getting use to critism ( hope i spelt that right )

but thank you for those pointers

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reedited :

Chapter 1

Sage was walking through the near clean park to get some fresh air from her studies of her last exam's of her high school , when she saw the hottest guy from her school sitting on a bench alone with the gentle warmth of the sun beaming on his face . She couldnt resist and walked to X and sat down beside him and slightly bit her lip from nerves.

Sage swallowed " Hi, X "
X smiles "Hello,Sage "
Sage blushs " how are you , X ..? "
X happy " I am good .. you do know that X is just a nickname of mine right..?"
Sage nervous " yes, I think X makes you seem more Mysterious and poetic like , then your real name Xander "
X smiles " I like how your mind , works Sage "

She softly chuckles , and cant but help to notice his lovely moon pale skin , his deep dark eyes and rosey pale lips , and unnatural whiteness to his teeth.

X glances to Sage " I'll see you tomorrow , in school right..? "
Sage blushing like crazy " yes, of course ,I'd never ditch.."
X chuckles " that is true " he leans to her and Kisses her forehead.

Sage blushs as he smiles at her , leaving to his home . She watchs him walk away , That following morning Sage was in a hurry to get ready for school that she just spiked her hair as she kept it boyish short , she threw on her fsh net tights and plaid mini skirt that was safe for school and her shirt Supporting the band " Hurt " , and her fish net arm warmers and her bracelets and wrist band , and placed her Ipod in her pocket and blasted
"Summers lost by Hurt " into her ears as she walked the mile to school .

Sage (narraoting ) " this is my first week back , since my dad and little brother died , everyone knew it .. but X he understood death unlike anyone I've met before. My dad and little brother died 2 weeks ago and I was given leave to be less mopey and depressed for losing them.

The school was called "Black valley high" it was in Black valley , Washington . Sage walked up the long sidewalk of school when X gently grabbed her from her waist , Softly kissing her neck just below her earlobe.

Sage shivers " H..hello X "
X tracing a finger along her neck " hello, Sage.."
Sage swallowing and blushing" glad to be back "
X breathing slightly down her neck " it should be a fun year.."
Sage shivers but nervous chuckle" Crap , today is the first year of school , isnt it ..? "
X chuckles " yep "
Sage bites her lip softly " least its the first year.."

X chuckled and took Sage's hand and walked with her through the doors of the school , the kids fell silent as they never ever seen X taken up to a girl before , like he has with Sage.

X flashed his " I am dangerous and will kill you " Smile , and everyone went back to what they were doing , Luckly Sage and X shared a locker this year , so they walked to their locker.

X (narroating ) " when I first saw Sage , at the start of the school year when she first started , I couldn't believe such a girl existed , she is beautifully tanned , almost mocha like , her eyes are almost like looking into a auqa blue crystal ball , her lip are so smooth and her hair flawless , I couldnt help but not ignore her like the other girls.

Sage closed their locker and the two walked into art class.

Hoffman annoyed " Welcome back , everyone "
Everyone sighs " Hello, Mr hoffman "
Hoffman bored " Today is self expression day , I want you all to express what you can't say in words on the canvas infront of you "
Everyone sighs yet again" Okay "

All the classmates , picked up there brushs and what not to make their art , as for Sage she owns her own paint and charcoal paints/crayons , and started away with the charcoal crayons with the outline before painting. X couldnt help but watch Sage work with her tools , he was transfixed on the beauty of the strokes she made with her hands and she seemed lost in her work.


End of chap 1

Chapter 2

X sat with Sage at lunch ,eating a hamburger with a bun and no mustard or ketchup or anything on it . Sage is eating some french fries with Ketchup.

X looking at her face " you are special , Sage "
Sage glances down blushing " Thank you , X "
Dave annoyed " Hey,X "
X bored " Hi , dave"
Dave annoyed" why are you hanging out the outcast,Sage"
X protective " she is better then the social climbers and fakes "
Dave glowers " yea, but she is like weird , she has these scars on her arms"
X protective " so , I got scars to ..and that makes me weird to then "
Dave angry " whatever "

Dave walks away , sighing ..he is only looking out for Sage.

Sage upset " thank you,X "
X places his hand on her hand in comfort " no problem"

Sage smiles finshing her fries, having figured out that X is a vampire a real deal blood sucking fanged vampire, but she figured she keep it to herself right now , and not ruin their friendship. The school bell rang when X took sage's hand and lead her from the school grounds.

Sage nervous " were gonna get in trouble ,X "
X grinning " not with me " he winks
Sage slightly breathing hard " I love you , X "
X staring into her eyes" and I love you to "
Sage bit her lip finding it hard to keep her info to herself " I know your a vampire,X"

What was said startled ,X as he never been conforted like he has been just now.

X nervous " how , how did you find out..?"
Sage blushing " unnatural white teeth,moon pale skin , pale rosey lips , slightly colder skin "
X relaxing " ouy, your not going to tell..?"
Sage nibbling her lip " X why would I..?"
X smiling " point proven"
Sage licks her lips " how are you able to be in the sun without sparkling or bursting to flames or what other myths of vampires and sun combo "
X happy " those myths are lies, vampires are able to be in the sun , but instead of bursting to flames or sparkling like in that poser book/movie twilight , we dont tan or burn like humans , the sun doesnt effect us ..at all "
Sage smiles with a bluch " wicked man "

X laid ontop of sage slightly , kissing her neck just under her ear lobe, brushing his fangs lightly across her flesh , sending chills of pleasure through her body.


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hapter 3

The new few months have been going well for Sage and X , they have grown closer and formed some sort of psychic bond mentally , and he aids her when she is almost in danger and protects her and her mom ands tep dad and friends aswell.

Sage and X are taking a stroll through the park , where the tree's are nearly bare from fall many orange and yellowish leafs scatter along the path and parking lot of the park . The tree's moan as the wind blows about their branchs .

Sage smiling softly " sounds like they are talking .."
X smiles back " yes , tree's do talk to each other ,but we cant hear them talking to each other.."
Sage blushs glancing to the ground " what .." takes a deep breath * what what is it like , being a vampire ? "

X looks surprised by the question but smiles softly with a chuckle

X " um lets see , my hearing is more higher then humans , my eye sight is strong aswell , I am able to see atleast 15 miles without a problem , my taste buds are different , instead of picking up on food , when i breath in all the elements are tasted "
Sage blushing nervous " what about humans , are you able to taste us in the air to..? "
X laughs " no , no its not like how it is in twilight , see when we see a human , we can see their veins moving under their skin , but we cant taste them in the air ,we are able to smell humans , but only their fear and emotional state"

Sage ponders this slightly as she sits down beside ,X who takes her hand softly.

Sage " so how are you able to know if a human , smells good ..? "
X " well , we dont ..which is okay ..we morely just do what we have to ..drink to live , or die of hunger..well we cant die but suffer of hunger "
Sage glances away " sounds horrible , has any vampire suffered hunger..?"
X takes in a deep breath " yes , a 100 year old vampire , he broke the human laws , thou shall not kill , we have to abid to human laws . so the head master of all vampires casted him into a 30 foot grave for 20 years , when he was brought above he was chained to a bed and slowly fed wiht blood"
Sage sad and nervous " X ..? "
X " yes..?"
Sage " will you .." is cut off when her mom is heading toward her.

Tibby arrives to her daughter and X , but gives a weary look to X , and returns her eyes to Sage.

Tibby is angry " Sage Marie blake , you are grounded . you have to come home when your done with your " glares at X " your friend.."
Sage looks down " he is my boyfriend mom , and fine I'll come home after I am DONE with my visit with him.."
Tibby smiles slightly " if you be a good girl , you will get something good "
Sage sighs " okay , mom ..see you when i get home.."

Tibby smiles and walks away . X glances at sage now slightly worried about her , as he has never seen this side of her mom before, he slightly bites his lip nervous.

X worried " sage , when you go home , will you be okay..?"
Sage " with my mom , oh sure...nothing will happen ..she has a minor anger problem , it should pass..hey I better be heading home..I'll call you okay ..?"
X mixed feelings " I'll be waiting.." he kisses her cheek.

Sage ran home , and unlocked the door and walked inside , to her mom at the dinner table with it set up for two. Sage raises an eye brow curious as her mom never lets her eat at teh same time she does.

Sage swallows slightly " mom are you okay..? "
Tibby smiles " yes , hun come sit , enjoy "
Sage walks to the table and sits down " its just you never like eating with me at the time you do ."
Tibby smiling " oh , stop your silliness and enjoy.."

Sage glances at her mom, during her second bite.

Tibby smirking " Hun , you are so special.."
Sage " yea, okay..I'll believe it when dad returns , for good "

With no sudden warning , Sage is knocked unconcious by Tibby's Husband , and she is dragged to the sound proof basement , and locked down there and left in the cold and dark and the dampness of the basement alone.

X sat by his phone waiting for Sage to call , as he is watching the news , when a Amber alert pops up on the news and Sage's photo is on the news. he spits out his red wine , he turns up the volume.

News reporter " a kidnapping has taken place , 17 year old Sage Blake was kidnapped tonight , with no trace of who could of taken her, for those who may have tips or know something , please call the missing child's hotline , and help bring home Sage "

X snarles up his lips " **** "

Sage stirred slightly , and felt along the wall for a switch and she finds one and flips it on , filling the room with a gloomy red light , but she could tell the area was the unused basement , but she was not perpared for the sight before , it was her real dad .. barely alive . She ran to her dad and held him softly , he weakly looked up at his daughter knowing the same fate that took him , has taken its turn upon her.

Sage slightly happy and worried " Oh , dad ..its mom she has done this ..if only there was a way to escape.."
Guy weakly and shivery " I..I've tried .."
Sage slightly teary eyed " Oh , dad mom is not well ..she lied ..she is deranged and mad "
Guy smiles softly " I love you , My butterfly "

Sage held her dad , knowing he is dying and with his final breath he went silent and still , Sage burst out in angry tears for her father , knowing she had to escape the basment , that the light make look red , but must be grey and its slightly wet and water is dripping from the pipes above her and drips down the walls.

Sage knew something felt right , she looked to the pipes and around the area , finding a small yet possible window she could get out through, she manged to climb the wall to the window and it opened , she smiled slightly and manged to fit through with lots of twisting and wiggling, but she make it work and stood and ran to X's house , tears in her eyes .

X bumped into her when she ran toward him without knowing.

X relieved " Oh , sage honey "
Sage wipes her eyes " x , is that you ..? "
X nods" yes "
Sage wrapped her arms around him " Oh , X my mom she is deranged and mad "

He kissed her head and took her to his place, sending out two of his vampire hunters out to Kidnap Tibby and Linus from their home.

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