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Jon2 · Dreamer of Art 270

Walk

Ravynlee · ~ ModMother / The Cougar ~ 290

Wow. When I started reading this I had no idea what the context of it all was - your clue about something 'spiritual' in your intro helped - but throughout that whole thing I read it with a sense of wonderment. So many questions. Not many answers. In this, I get a sense that the reader is going along for the ride with the main protagonist. We don't know any more than they do. I like this, it's brave. Its all too easy as a writer to want to blurt it all out and give away the initial mystery - I think the way you've written it, pulling a kind of veil over our eyes, is well done indeed.

On a technical point of view nothing major to point out, except watch the ',' usage - as a general rule of thumb commas should be inserted into sentences where you need to draw a breath (reading the sentences aloud usually helps, but is not foolproof). I know English isn't your first language either, but for all intents and purposes you wouldn't know it reading this - flows pretty well all things considered. And bear in mind I'm no teacher. I'm not picking fights deliberately. I'm known for my grammatical errors - but I thought that at least pointing something no matter how small out is better than a dozen 'that was great!' posts that doesn't really tell you much of anything. I know how frustrating that can be when you're eager for feedback.

All in all this has huge potential. I'm wondering, as short as it is, and if you ever did manage to get around to finishing it, would you consider using it as a basis for something greater perhaps? A novel about someone who's cheated death, or discovers he's immortal, is he a ghost looking in on the world he left behind, is he having an OBE (out of body experience) and if so, why? So much springs to mind at this point. But I'll shut up now. I've ranted enough. Oh and kudos on some colourful descriptions at the beginning, felt I had to point that out.

Well done!

Jon2 · Dreamer of Art 270

Thanks a dozen. It's actually kind of weird that I started this story very spontaniously, and throughout time it has became one of my best work (well, from a technical perspective, probably the best if not counting lyrics). It is supposed to be about a spiritual state the main character is in after dying in the 'real' world - it's like the process of testing your faith and nature in order to lead you to the right place to spend your afterlife in. I like some of the ideas you made in the last paragraph, so I will ddefinitely take them into consideration and see if this gets developed into anything bigger. I kind of like how it's written in these small parts though - it allows me to post it frequently and continue it whenever I want to. Who knows how many parts I'll make anyway? I don't to be honest.

As far as English being my second language goes, I want to point out that often when I write lyrics for example, and even when I talk to people, I use the dictionary a lot. I'm the best in English from our class, but there's still a few words I had to check from your post for example to be able to fully understand. I have advanced English skills, and it's not like I have to translate every other word, but don't think I can understand words like protagonist, I'm still being educated. ;)

The both parts of this story were written in Finnish first, and then I just translated them, and believe me, it wasn't easy, because the language I used in the original version was even more descriptive than on this version. I think I did a pretty good job though.

Thanks again for your feedback. I'll post the third part (which I have already written) later tonight or at least during this weekend. Who knows, maybe I'll get around writing a new part too.

-- Edited by Jon2 on Friday 27th of March 2009 11:57:47 PM

-- Edited by Jon2 on Friday 27th of March 2009 11:58:10 PM

Ravynlee · ~ ModMother / The Cougar ~ 290

Awesome. And now you've described it more I can actually appreciate it further with a follow-up re-read! For the record, I appologize for using words that may be unfamiliar to you. Sometimes I think I subconsciously try and make myself sound more pompus than I really am (see, I did it again!) but really I'm not. And I still think you have done a fantastic job translating for us. As I said before, if you hadn't have told me (or I hadn't seen elsewhere) I wouldn't know English wasn't your mother tongue. Well done again.

Jon2 · Dreamer of Art 270

Haha. But seriously, you don't have to stop writing in that sort of langauge - it's actually a good thing, since that helps me learn new words. And learning new words means that my English skills get even better and my text gets a more advanced touch.

Ravynlee · ~ ModMother / The Cougar ~ 290

I'll bear that in mind, Jon2. And of course, looking forward to seeing where you take this.

-- Edited by Ravynlee on Saturday 28th of March 2009 02:58:04 PM

CancerCowboy · Senior Member 0

Very interesting! I like it a lot!
It will be very interesting to see what direction it takes in the future. Until then I'll keep it short, good work!

Jon2 · Dreamer of Art 270

Thanks CancerCowboy.

Part 3:

Apparently, there really was a God, and he had something else planned for me than a death caused by freezing, because next thing I knew, I was in a room full of mirrors. Since I still had my senses, I thought why not take a look at myself, because it seemed like I didn't feel my body. The scene reflected by the mirror was shocking. I looked exactly how I was supposed to. Dark hair, green eyes that wonder around like crazy, a sincere face – simply put, it was the appearance of the great thinker I was. Yet, no matter where I tried to touch, I couldn't feel a thing the mirror was showing. So I decided to see what else was in the room. After discovering that it truly was a room full of mirrors, nothing else, I sat down on the floor, thinking that nothing mattered anymore. That's when I heard an echoing voice, which said the following: “Don't quit. Embrace yourself. Embrace your faith. Believe.”
As I wasn't completely sure what the voice meant, and was it God or just my imagination perhaps, at first I did nothing. But the voice kept coming back - 3 times until I decided to take action. I went in front of one of the mirrors, focused really hard and blocked all my senses. Then, I slowly reached out for my hand. I still didn't know what the tool I was reaching it with was, but the mirror started to create an image of me reaching my left hand with my right one. And, after struggling a bit, it actually worked. I was somehow really thrilled, ignoring I still didn't know what was going on. That, however, didn't last long, as the whole place started to spin and I once again ended up in another place.
Having discovered my body, I was now able to move and feel like a normal human being. So, I was able to sense that I landed on soft ground, and that the place was spherical. I stood up, and took a look around. It didn't take long for me to discover 3 doors, which all had signs in them. The first one had the letters "I" and "Y", the second one had the abbreviation "vs." and the last one included the number "7" in it. I took a glimpse at the ceiling of the place, but it was black and empty, and I was certain there wouldn't be any voices or hints this time for me to figure out which door to choose. So I simply took 2 steps back and ran eyes closed towards one of the doors. Would it be the right one?

-- Edited by Jon2 on Thursday 2nd of April 2009 01:30:06 AM

Sarah Sensei · Linkin Park ♥ 130

Wow, I'm already intrigued by it. I think I am a lot like Ravy and didn't expect any of this. I know I'm slack and haven't replied when I should've but I've been reading it, just not saying anything until now. Keep it up Jon2.

Jon2 · Dreamer of Art 270

No problem. :) It's enough for me to know that someone is reading.

Part 4.

A few seconds later, I found myself from a chamber. It was filled with a threading, distinctive smell and decorated with wallpaper that was patterned with white flowers. I had to squint my eyes to see, because the space was surprisingly bright. After realizing there was once again no exit, I took a glimpse up and shouted: “Now what? Am I supposed to get out of this place without a single sense of how to?” I waited, and after a while I saw a cigarette landing down, surrounded with light. As the cigarette got closer to me, it started to burn. At a certain height, it stopped falling, and the light disappeared.
I had never smoked before. It was one of those things I had thought of as a taboo, and had decided to leave for the people who felt that it made them feel stronger, cooler, whatever. However, now I was in the middle of a situation where a cigarette was my only key to continue. I stepped forth, so that I was standing only a few inches away from the cigarette, wanting to see what it was like. It was dark brown and it seemed steady while it was floating in the air. It wasn’t an ordinary cigarette though – if there was something I had learned so far, it was that nothing was ordinary on the journey I was.
I saw no other solution than to smoke. I slowly took the cigarette between my fingers, and placed it slowly against my lips. It did not taste good. I sighed for the last time and begun to smoke.
First it felt like the most terrible experience of my life. I had heard about smoking being awful when you start it, but this was indescribably bad. I didn’t quit it though, and that’s probably why it started to taste better with time. Not good, but better. During the time I was ready to puke for just tasting the cigarette, it didn’t burn away like it should have, but as I started liking it more, it started shrinking. First slowly. Then faster. And faster. Before I knew it, the cigarette was gone, and I was ready to go mad if I wouldn’t get another one.
- Hey, you, above! Give me another one! I can’t solve this without another cigarette!
Nothing. No reply, no light, no cigarette.
- Please! If you can hear me, I NEED another one! I got nothing to begin with!
The place started changing. The white flower-decoration turned to black and I started to see these different types of illusions, ranging from colorful shapes to memories I thought I had forgotten. One last time, I let my thoughts flow to my tongue.
- GIVE ME A CIGARETTE!

-- Edited by Jon2 on Saturday 11th of April 2009 05:07:21 AM

Jon2 · Dreamer of Art 270

Part 5, longest part so far (I know this is getting long enough in total, but I've just decided to go with the flow, you know?).

I fell down to my knees abruptly. I had no idea what was going on, neither did I care about it, since my mind had been taken by a dreamland, with only one intention of life, smoking. God obviously did not hand me another cigarette as I was hoping, so it was up to me to conquer my own self, and to be able to do that, I had to dream about something. Something… Strange.

I was standing in the middle of a bridge. It was one of those old, wooden bridges which seem to destruct easily, but don’t necessarily. I looked underneath, in between the planks and saw some shining blue water. I sensed, however, that I wasn’t supposed to fall there. So, I lifted up my glance from the water and directed it towards the left. The bridge seemed short, and I had no trouble seeing to the end on the left side. There, I saw a field, filled with flowers, plants and trees. The sun was shining and judging by everything I saw, there wasn’t a worry in the world. So, without even looking at the opposite direction, I started walking to the left side. I had to move slowly just to make sure the bridge didn’t break. Step by step I was walking smoothly and calmly, but as I set my left foot down for the ninth time, the water turned red and it started raining some sort of liquid I didn’t recognize. I did notice that it was red too though. I continued for a few steps, but the closer I came to field, the faster the rain fell down and the red lake beneath begun to rise. I started backing down, and before I even knew it, everything turned back to normal – the rain stopped and the lake became blue and shiny again. As I arrived to my starting point, the middle of the bridge, I stopped and turned towards the right end of the bridge. There, I now saw a similar field, but instead of several plants, I only saw one tree, one flower and one bird. I was confused, but since I couldn’t just stand there, I decided to start walking again, now in the opposite direction than last time. Despite choosing what seemed to be the right choice, as soon as I had taken nine steps ahead, something started happening again. The water turned white, and it started raining again – but, instead of some strange red liquid, it was snowing now. As I got closer to the lonely field, the snow got heavier, and turned into hail. I was forced to move as low as possible, even crawl, but as I looked at the sincere eyes of the bird standing on the field ahead of me, I figured that I had to go on no matter what, and with my stubbornness, it wasn’t hard at all. Five steps away from the field. Four. Three… And that is when the bridge collapsed and I was forced to grab every piece of wood I could to avoid falling into the white water. After settling down a bit, I noticed that the bridge was still on hold from the other end, meaning it had not fallen to the lake completely and I still had a chance to reach the field I was going for, but it required me to jump for 20 meters or so straight ahead. While I was able to sense the white water already, and the harsh snowing wasn’t stopping at all, my prolonged nature took the win and I had to take the risk - I leaped. I simply closed my eyes and let my hands control me. I almost flew right to the edge of the field, grabbed it, and helped myself stand up. The field was still rather empty, but as I realized that the more fruitful field at the other end had consumed, I knew I had made the right decision. As mine and the bird’s eyes met each other once again, I felt pure and free - rewarded.

This is the point where I woke up from my dreamland and found myself in front of two windows.

Jon2 · Dreamer of Art 270

Part 6 (and no, this isn't going to be a novel, I'm not planning on writing several parts to this anymore).

For the first time during my journey, I had a slight hunch of what was going on. Two windows – one on my left, one on my right - both covered so that I couldn’t see a thing through them. I could, however, see that they had wooden frames and that they weren’t any bigger from normal, household windows. The situation once again seemed desperate to begin with, but I had my hunch, and I was living through the instinct that either one of the windows had something to do with me. So, I intently started looking for a way to access whatever was hidden in or behind the windows.

Luckily enough, all I had to was approach the windows and the covers revealed what was hidden. Behind the window that was on my left, I saw something blurry. It reminded me of a heart by its shape, but I had no idea why it was there or whose it was. Then, behind the window that was on my right, I saw a dark figure – or that’s what it first reminded me of, until the figure turned to reveal itself to me. It was a girl crying, and the deep, suffering glance she gave me with her dark brown eyes was heart-stopping, literally. I started feeling empty and inept, and soon it all came clear to me – the heart behind the left window was mine, and I had to decide between it and the girl.

I decided to begin thinking rationally. I had been taught all my life that others should be put in first, then yourself – by my parents, myself, and my beliefs – but how could I help this girl without having a heart to even care and carry the weight? This was by no doubt the hardest decision during my trip so far. I looked up, closed my eyes and sighed silently just before lifting my foot off the ground to walk towards the window of my choice.

As I stopped just centimeters away from the window, I noticed a knob on the left side and pulled it down to open the window. A divine smell arrived to my nose the very same second the glass wasn’t blocking half of my senses anymore. I then gently jumped to the other side of the window. I walked a few meters more to arrive on a tree trunk and sat down.

The girl I had only seen through glass before now was purely engaging. I had never been a womanizer, or good getting along with the opposite gender in general, but I had to be self-confident in this specific situation to go on. So, I lifted her chin up with my hand and stared into her eyes with my presumably shy, yet sincere look. It felt like I didn’t even have to ask her what was wrong – she stopped crying immediately and a beautiful smile was drawn to her face as I simply sat there, caring and willing to listen. Before I even knew it, she had taken my hand and stood up.

- Come with me. You have one more place to attend to, one more river of tribulation to enter before you’ll be free eternally, but only I can lead you there.

Feeling unconditional trust and strangely enough, no confusion at all, I stood up as well and started following her steps as she led me away from the two windows.

There was no question about my heart being back where it belonged.

-- Edited by Jon2 on Thursday 16th of July 2009 07:03:05 PM

Jon2 · Dreamer of Art 270

Last. Part. of. the. story. Finished it a few hours ago. So happy!

Now, if I don't get feedback on this during the next week or so I will hunt everyone of you down! Lol. Just kidding, but seriously - I have never been this proud about something non-musical/-lyrical.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As we keep walking, smoothly and silently, we arrive on a cliff. Suddenly I start feeling uncomfortable, and it doesn’t make me feel any better to see the girl leave me.
- Wait, where are you going?!
- I must leave you here. Alone.
I prepare to make another antithesis but she disappears in a blink of an eye before I let the words arrive to my tongue. So, I shrug thoughtlessly and look around once again. As I’m standing just a few meters away from the edge, I recognize another cliff that’s separated from the ground I’m standing on by an approximately 5-meter long gap. Am I supposed to jump like in the dream I had? I go closer to the edge but all I can see underneath is never-ending and hopeless black. I feel my mouth getting drier and drier as I prepare to jump – but right at that moment, I see something that prevents me – something I would call a miracle if I wasn’t on an afterlife journey.
On the other side, I now see some sort of a character wearing a white cloak, with his face covered in hair and a beard - which both are a mix of blue and purple by their color. While the character is just about my height, I can sense that the masculine-looking apparition isn’t from the same world than I am. I blink my eyes rapidly before asking a question – once I do, it sounds as if I was talking to thin air.
- Who are you? Are you… God?
The man now steps a bit closer to the edge, so that I can recognize his kind eyes, which seem to consist of all the colors of the rainbow scale.
- I think you know the answer to that yourself.
I gasp. He certainly is here – looking at me, speaking to me.
- Is this heaven, then?
- This side is, yes. However, the side you’re standing on, isn’t.
- Does that mean that I am in Hell?
- No, not Hell, God says and smiles. – Let’s just call it an area that separates you from Heaven, and will turn into Hell. Unless…
- Unless what? I breathe heavily while trying to stay calm. The pure thought of being stuck in Hell for the rest of my existence after talking to God, like person to person, mortal to mortal, makes cold sweat and shivers go down my whole body.
- Unless you take my hand and gather all your faith together to jump.
Just one-hundredths after God finishing His sentence, I step forth, preparing to jump with zero doubt. I take a step, then another, then another. It all happens as if I was starring in a Hollywood action film and someone was watching it on slow-motion. Two steps more and I can push myself away from the cliff… I can see God reaching His hand to my direction and so I tighten my teeth together for the last time. But then, something totally unexpected happens…
- Wait!
I stop just centimeters away from the edge. A husky voice is shouting behind me.
- Stop yourself from making the most terrible mistake of your… well, afterlife.
I turn. Slowly yet steadily. As I recognize the source of the voice, my eyes expand like they have never done before.
- Ah, you, of course. Let me introduce – the beast that’s always trying to make enemies with me – the Devil.
Looking exactly like the opposite of God on the other side, I can sense nothing but evil coming from the dark figure covered in red and black. Completely bold and a bit shorter than me, the Devil comes closer. I try to step away but then I remember that I’m almost on the edge and reverse my intended action.
- You! Stay away from this. This is between me and him, the Devil says to God. He then sets His eyes at me and continues; - That’s right, don’t be afraid.
The fear can be read straight from my face but I don’t care.
- I don’t want anything to do with you. My place is there, on the other side, with The One I believe in.
- I know that, neither do I claim otherwise. But staying here doesn’t mean you have to like me or not believe in Him. You see, this land that you’re standing on is the same land you’ve lived on your whole life. It’s the land of sin, selfishness and hah, do I dare to say – extreme joy. Staying here would only be an extension to your life before – only this time around, you could have and live whatever and however you want.
- But remember, that only on this side you can have all that you need, God notes and I turn again at His direction.
- But why settle only for that? He is a human being, with his own will, and no matter does he like it or not, he carries the original sin which has created that gap between these lands and is driving him here – always.
- He can become a much greater being and exist without thirst and lust – but only if he decides to let go of his original sin and his life on that land.
- Hah. Well, you said it, he decides. So, what’s it going to be? Do you choose to stay on this wonderful land of decision or jump to the unknown and restricted?
[I inhale] Of course I want to spend my forever existence with God rather than rot in my own sins, but… [I exhale] There’s something that’s making my mind all confused, as if it’s pulling me more and more in the middle of this decision. I know how the situation seems like – I have to make a choice between good and evil – but does it mean that I really know how the situation really is? No matter which choice I consider, or the angle that I think about choosing it from, I feel like it’s not right, it’s not for me or for anyone – it’s wrong.
- Are you alright? God asks. I close my eyes and sigh for one last time.
- This walk has been more than enlightening, and I feel like at the moment, I carry all the keys of life and afterlife in my hands. It’s all up to this decision.
I swallow and now turn to Devil.
- This is the life I have spent, the life I have experienced. The land I have loved and enjoyed.
Now I turn back to God.
- That is the life I want to spend, the life I want to be rewarded with. The reason I have loved and enjoyed this land that I stand on. However – I now look down – no matter what the voice of reason says, my belief has taught me to go by heart instead of the brain, and right now, this is what my heart, my deepest instinct says.
- NO! YOU STUPID FOOL!
The screams become an echo in my head as I fall into the gap, deeper into the great darkness.

After all that’s happened, I can only believe that it’s a miracle to be able to open my eyes and feel soft ground under me. I couldn’t die all over again, I knew that, but refusing to go to Heaven or Hell could’ve caused some side effects. So where am I now? I try to rise up, only to feel a hand push me back down and see another one offer me water.
- Drink this.
As I’m not supposed to feel surprised about anything anymore at this point, my face doesn’t react in any way to seeing a man who looks just like Jesus – unless you want to count the smile that my lips create.
- Thanks. You must be…
- Jesus, yes. I’m glad that you’re here, He says while I drink the water He has given me. Or was it water? It looked like water, and tasted like water, but somehow it made me feel… embraced inside.
- It is water, but it doesn’t affect to you as normal water does. Here everything is different, as you will soon begin to see, Jesus says and offers me his hand again. – Let me help you stand up. I’m sure you got some questions.
I take His hand and take a look at what the place I’m in is like. I can’t even begin to tell myself how it is with words, so I just stare at the beauty of everything without thinking about it rationally.
- How did… I end up here? I ask as we sit down on a pair of rocks. At least something is familiar in here, I think deep down in my mind before realizing that The One next to me can hear everything including my thoughts.
- How do you think you did? Jesus says. He has a smile I’ve never seen on a person before as I try to think back what happened and come up with an answer that satisfies us both.
- Well... I do know that I wasn’t meant to jump on the other side. I know that this was where I was supposed to end up in. But…
- Was that man on the cliff really God? He certainly wasn’t.
- So it was the Devil?
- Good thinking. He took Father’s figure to distract you.
- But how can He be in two places at once?
- He wasn’t.
- But I saw him in his real outfit, on the land I was standing on…
- Let’s put that aside for a bit. What made you doubt that it was not God on that cliff? What made you realize that you needed to fall instead of staying or jumping?
- The way he acted. His characteristics, they were too much like people picture them to be like… And then, His words. The way He spoke. He asked me if I was alright… If He would’ve really been God, he wouldn’t have had to ask, I think out loud.
- Now re-consider – who really was that Devil on the land you were on?
I think for a bit. Nothing comes down to my mind, so Jesus answers his own question.
- It was you.
- Me?
- You see, this Walk was a test of faith and decision, but no matter how hard a mortal tries he can’t get away from his original sin. Even after the wonderfully fruitful life you’ve had and this Walk, you had more than a hint of that left – and it was eating your faith from the inside. So, basically the Devil that you saw there on that cliff was that doubt and calling towards evil that lived inside of you, Jesus clarifies. I’m speechless, but it’s not because of what my Savior has just said, it’s because somehow, I already knew everything.
- So is this Heaven?
- Well, now that you’re here, you can call this whatever you want. But yes, this is the one and only Heaven.
- It’s great to be here, I say with gratefulness in my eyes. - I do have one more question.
- Why am I here instead of God if I’m His incarnation on Earth? Well, just like you’ve witnessed on this Walk, nothing certainly is what it seems. But here, you don’t need to worry about that. The key about this place is very simple - This is Home.
- Home, I repeat. – I like that.

THE END.

Sorry about the paragraphs - can't get the indenting to work.

Lady Sade · Member 10

its very good....its almost like speaking about a mission to discover ones self..and there purpose in life...

i like it alot

Jon2 · Dreamer of Art 270

Thanks Lady Sade, much appreciated!