~ Welcome to Quills ~

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Quills -> Poetry -> Heartless poems
Post Info TOPIC: Heartless poems
Heartless


Member
0


Status: Offline
Posts: 156
Date:
Heartless poems
Permalink  
 

A thread for poetry, shibby. I want to make clear first these poems are all translated from another language so it might not come across that great in English

Orange sky

a lightred sky in the stillness
against the light snow
the whisp of clouds steals big portions
the rocky mountain boulders feel so cold

in between you can glimpse the morning sky
the sun comes up so late
from between the parted skies
it is black as tar


at a blue dawn

I can hear the water getting warmer
little by little the ice queen is melted
and spring returns
but not until I've rung the thawed bell of the dreamfreer
in the air there's a scent of something to come
which can never be erased

on the bank the monster awaits
and the build up begins anew
at blue dawn
the ice has gone black in my eyes
and solstice is nowhere near me



__________________
Jon2


Dreamer of Art

270


Status: Offline
Posts: 3379
Date:
Permalink  
 

Good work. Very little flaws, but a few - I'd avoid using terms like "ice queen", which are already quite over-used in poetry and lyrics, and since both of the poems are pretty much the same theme, I suggest that you would try writing something different. These poems are really good, don't take it like they aren't, but no one is going to read 10 poems like this and give you credit. I like your style, just keep developing it, and I should know that translating from your mother tongue to English can be hard, so props for doing such a good job on that. Looking forward to reading more. :)

__________________

sig20.png

Dreaming of Zion, Awake
Sleeping Awake.

"We’ve never tried to come off as better than our fans, our fans... when they come to see us play, they’re actually a part of, you know, us playing. Sonny, the way he is on stage, he connects with them, emotional and in every kind of way you can imagine, you know, musically, and I think that they can see that it’s not, you know, a put on, it’s not something that’s fake, it’s real." - Mark Daniels of P.O.D.
Heartless


Member
0


Status: Offline
Posts: 156
Date:
Permalink  
 

Jon2 wrote:

Good work. Very little flaws, but a few - I'd avoid using terms like "ice queen", which are already quite over-used in poetry and lyrics, and since both of the poems are pretty much the same theme, I suggest that you would try writing something different. These poems are really good, don't take it like they aren't, but no one is going to read 10 poems like this and give you credit. I like your style, just keep developing it, and I should know that translating from your mother tongue to English can be hard, so props for doing such a good job on that. Looking forward to reading more. :)



Yeah thats the thing, they come out dramatically different in English...which sucks. I have no idea myself what is known and what is cliché within English poetry tradition, I only write in my own language and try to mix that poetry tradition with my own ideas...



__________________
Jon2


Dreamer of Art

270


Status: Offline
Posts: 3379
Date:
Permalink  
 

Alright. The fact is, I don't know much about poetry traditions either lol, but I've read some lyrics for example that use some of the terms you've used.

__________________

sig20.png

Dreaming of Zion, Awake
Sleeping Awake.

"We’ve never tried to come off as better than our fans, our fans... when they come to see us play, they’re actually a part of, you know, us playing. Sonny, the way he is on stage, he connects with them, emotional and in every kind of way you can imagine, you know, musically, and I think that they can see that it’s not, you know, a put on, it’s not something that’s fake, it’s real." - Mark Daniels of P.O.D.
Heartless


Member
0


Status: Offline
Posts: 156
Date:
Permalink  
 

Jon2 wrote:

Alright. The fact is, I don't know much about poetry traditions either lol, but I've read some lyrics for example that use some of the terms you've used.



Ah okay. My inspiration is usually not other poems, and definitely not foreign poems cause I never read any foreign ones. I haven't even read TS Eliot heh

But yeah when I write I just write whatever comes to mind and sounds alright, in my language that is



__________________
Jon2


Dreamer of Art

270


Status: Offline
Posts: 3379
Date:
Permalink  
 

That's how it should be, don't change it. The technique which I use with my lyrics, though, is that I start writing it in English instantly, and if I come across a word I like I might build a whole line around it, or use the dictionary if I have a clear sentence in my mind but I don't know how it's written or spelt in English. I couldn't make my lyrics the way I do without the dictionary really lol, because the language is usually so advanced, intentionally. But we all have our unique style in writing, so just keep writing the way you do.

__________________

sig20.png

Dreaming of Zion, Awake
Sleeping Awake.

"We’ve never tried to come off as better than our fans, our fans... when they come to see us play, they’re actually a part of, you know, us playing. Sonny, the way he is on stage, he connects with them, emotional and in every kind of way you can imagine, you know, musically, and I think that they can see that it’s not, you know, a put on, it’s not something that’s fake, it’s real." - Mark Daniels of P.O.D.
Ravynlee


~ ModMother / The Cougar ~

290


Status: Offline
Posts: 2990
Date:
Permalink  
 

Agreed, if your system works for you, don't try and change it. I don't see any problem with what you've got going for you at the moment. It works, and you're content with what you're producing, so that has to count for something.

__________________





Resident of OUR TOWN
Resident & Admin of DLoD
~ 'Shane' is my virtual world ~


 ^ My Homes away from Home ^
If I'm not here, I'm there.
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Quills -> Poetry -> Heartless poems
Tweet this page Post to Digg Post to Del.icio.us


Create your own FREE Forum
Report Abuse 		Powered by ActiveBoard