~ Welcome to Quills ~

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The next day had all the makings of a long one. When I woke from a dead, hard sleep, I realized first that I was freezing cold and second that it was because Jonathan wasn’t with me. In fact none of the ‘menfolk’ were around, even Tai (if he counted), nor Rae either; Tera was standing in the kitchen making breakfast alone. I sat up immediately, disoriented, and she turned at my movement. Just from her look, I could tell something had happened already, but she turned away again before I could speak. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know anyway.

Jonathan’s coat lay on the dresser. I pulled it on at first, but the silk inner lining was even colder than my skin. I quickly discarded it, letting it fall onto the bed, and joined Tera. When she still wouldn’t face me, I didn’t bother to try and force her, just silently took a place at the fireplace and started minding a pair of pans. Everything seemed to be moving more slowly than usual, from the low-burning fire to my own movements. If only I could warm up, I thought, this morning wouldn’t seem quite so miserable. I wonder if it’s autumn now, or even winter – or if I’m just imagining this sudden coldness.

Tiring of the quiet game and needing something to occupy my mind other than the chill, I finally asked, “Tera? Did something happen?”

Filling a pot to boil water, she glanced over at me uncomfortably but didn’t say anything. Maybe she wanted to pretend she hadn’t heard. As if it was likely.

“Tera.”

“Dean and Jonny kind of got into it again,” she mumbled.

I sat up straighter. “Is – did Rae make Dean …?”

“No, no.” She shook her head hastily. “It wasn’t quite like that. Dean did it … the right way. He took him to Rae.” I relaxed. “The thing was that Dean said he found Jonny in here slipping food into a bag like he was going to snatch it and go. But he was the only one who saw it – I mean we were all asleep – and,” she hesitated, “I don’t know, I’ve never seen Jonny carry a bag. He always seemed to have what he needed in that coat. And he wasn’t even wearing it when Dean dragged him over to Rae’s hut.”

I thought of the pouch on the right side of the coat that had seemed tailor-made for foodstuff. No; he wouldn’t need a bag. Unless he was planning to leave it for me, why wouldn’t he be wearing and using the coat? And if he’d made the decision to go, I was painfully sure he wouldn’t be looking after me even in his absence. “Did you point that out?” I asked.

Again, she looked a little uncomfortable. “Well. No. Since Jonny never tried to defend himself. He didn’t admit to it either, but I figured why should I stand up for him when he wouldn’t stand up for himself, you know?”

I would have had to allow her that, if it hadn’t been for the fact that I could easily visualize Jonathan rolling his eyes and, in a way, humoring Dean’s accusation. I sighed. “So what was Rae’s decision?”

“Looked like she was still about-half asleep. I think at first she said to just let it go – maybe she didn’t think Jonny looked guilty – but Dean insisted.” She shrugged. “She went back inside for a minute or two, and when she came out she’d decided to send Jonny up on top of that two-level building with the fire escape, and make him go without food for a while.”

I scoffed. It was a perfectly reasonable punishment, lenient even, if Dean was telling the truth. I just happened to doubt that he was. You’re biased for Jonathan, take that into account, I told myself sternly, and no other voices even deemed that worthy of debating. Tera gave me a wary look.

There was no communal breakfast that morning. Although Tera and I ate together, she told me that Dean and Sam had eaten earlier (separately, of course), and there had been no sign of Rae and Tai since the ‘trial.’ Afterwards, she wasted no time leaving the Rec Room, and I washed our dishes slowly. I wondered if this was a sign that we were drifting apart, becoming no more than seven people forced to live together. Wistfully, I thought of Keith, Amy and Corey’s cohesive little unit, and how in a way, they’d influenced us to operate together well. Or maybe that had been the Doc’s doing – whether every one of us wanted to admit it or not, we all respected him, and we were all willing to do what he told us. Well – I’d ruined that, hadn’t I? If Doc M wasn’t dead now, he was insane, infected, a monster … God alone knew.

Not your fault, a voice chided. He was already infected and he asked for your blood. Blackmailed you for it really. Haven’t we had this conversation already?

Yes, yes, I told it miserably. We have. I still feel guilty.

It scoffed at me. Wonderful. My own mind was sick of dealing with me. I shoved my hands into my pockets – and suddenly rediscovered the letter I’d written for Rae so long ago. Shooting furtive glances towards the door, I unfolded it. The paper was in terrible shape and the ink had run in a multitude of places (I thought of the streams and rivers I’d waded through with it in my pocket), but knowing roughly what it said, I was able to make sense of it. So many things, it seemed, simply weren’t important anymore. I’d been so concerned about Taijitsu then, trying to make her accept it – and now, she had. I’d been afraid and ashamed of admitting what I was or wasn’t – and now she knew that as well, as well as I did at least. What she didn’t know was why I no longer trusted Dean, why I’d struck up my alliance with Jonathan, or really how little about myself I was sure of, and while the letter did go into that, there was just too much … else.

I tossed it into the fireplace and watched it curl up and blacken. I wished I had enough – what? Confidence? – to say what I wanted to say to her face, but I still didn’t. Much as I wanted to be able to look back and tell myself how I’d grown since writing that, I just hadn’t. I was the same confused, helpless person who’d been plagued by nightmares and dug cuts into her own arms.

Just as it was becoming completely unrecognizable, the door creaked open behind me. I looked over my shoulder, half-expecting it to be Rae and Tai coming in for breakfast, but instead, it was Dean. He pushed the door closed behind him, looking up at me from a slightly bowed head. I had a brief flashback – after the incident at the military base, when I’d run away. He’d come for me. That was when I’d learned about his lie.

“Hey,” he said. I nodded. He hunched his shoulders a little and thrust his hands down into his jacket pockets, then withdrew one to scrub it through his hair. His awkwardness was so blatantly obvious it couldn’t be an act, and I found myself smiling because of it. For all his airs and for all he could do, he still seemed like such a kid sometimes. And those were the times that I was able to admit to myself that I …

“I, uh, I wanted to apologize,” he finally said. “For how I acted last night. I was out of line.”

“Apologize to Jonathan, not me,” I told him dryly.

“I did,” he stated righteously. Then he kind of scowled. “I mean, I tried.”

“You did?”

He shrugged. “Wouldn’t look at me. But I tried.” He stepped up closer, jamming his hand back into its pocket. I leaned back against the tall side of the fireplace.

“So how’d your talk go yesterday?” I asked.

He squirmed. “I didn’t … I never got around to it.”

“Mm-hm.” What was I expecting.

“But – look, can we talk? About something other than him?”

“I don’t know,” I said honestly. “Every time we talk, we argue, and I don’t want to argue.”

He grinned. “Great. Because I don’t want to argue either.”

Again, I found myself smiling back, but it was a tentative gesture. I wanted to believe that things could suddenly go back to being normal between us again, but obviously with Jonathan in the picture that was impossible. … And that’s why Dean accused him of stealing food, said an especially cynical voice. To get him out of the picture.

“Anyway,” Dean was saying, “I already apologized to Rae for being disrespectful, and like I said I tried to apologize to him, so I figured while I was making the rounds …” He shrugged again. “I couldn’t find Tera, and Sam’s ignoring me. You’re the only one left. And before you try,” he interjected, “I don’t want to talk about Sam either, all right? There’s nothing else to say.”

I laughed. “All right. What is a good subject then?”

He was suddenly somber. “There’s something kinda specific, actually. Sit with me?” He motioned towards the table. I hesitated but joined him; we sat across from each other, both with our arms crossed on the tabletop.

“Jamie,” he said solemnly, “I need to know how much longer you’re going to do this.”

“Do what?” I asked.

“This …” He waved around the Rec Room. “This thing. Staying in.”

“What do you mean?” Any sense of comfort I’d had was gone.

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Look, I just don’t know how much longer I can do it, okay? I mean – what do you want from me? I can’t …”

“Dean, what are you talking about?”

He scoffed. “Don’t act like you don’t –” Then he stopped himself. “You … don’t … You really don’t get it? You’re really okay here?”

“I’m fine,” I said incredulously. “What on earth are you –?”

“Maybe you’ve finally fooled yourself into thinking this is normal,” he snapped, “but it’s not, and sooner or later it’s going to break.” I pulled away at his vehemence. “Why not just cut it off here? It was a good run right? You got them to accept you, you barely slipped up at all – now can we just go?”

“If you don’t start making sense –”

“We don’t belong here,” he snarled. “Okay? Got it? We don’t have the choice – no matter how much better you think you are, you’re just like me.”

He’d managed to hit a nerve. “I’m not just like you,” I fired back. “I’m not the one jumping anyone who bothers me.”

“You will,” he warned. “Come on, how long do you really think you can last?”

“I’m lasting just fine,” I hissed, still not entirely sure what he was trying to say.

He scoffed again and stood up abruptly, stalking over to his bed. “I’m really sick of this,” he said sullenly facing away from me. “Why can’t you just … just deal with the fact that we’re different from the rest of them? They’re human – they’re good at settling, reproducing, repopulating. It’s what they were made for. Not us.” When he turned back, his eyes were almost fully red. “We’re hunters.”

The door banged open again. We both jumped, his red draining away instantly, and saw Tai dragging a somewhat sleepy-eyed Rae in behind him, cheerfully demanding “Brek-fist! Brek-fist!” She gave us a slightly apologetic look, appeasing Tai and telling him to lower his voice, and we were both careful to smile back reassuringly. Though she raised an eyebrow at our identical, no doubt slightly strained expressions, Tai wasn’t about to let her attention stray from him. Keeping an eye on the two of them, Dean came back over to the table. He leaned close to finish what he had to say.

“All I’m saying is I don’t know how much longer I can do it, Jamie,” he murmured. “I need out. I need to go. I … need … to hunt. But I can’t just leave you behind here.”

“Dean, I can’t leave,” I insisted quietly. “Maybe we’re not … human, but … we don’t have to just be killers. We can control ourselves.”

“Sometimes,” he returned. “Not always. The first time I came here what were you doing?”

“I – I was …” I faltered and looked down. “… Mark.”

“Exactly.” He grabbed my wrist, jolting me into looking up at him. Our faces were mere inches apart. “And at the Army fort?” he persisted.

“You’ve made your point, all right?” I pulled my arm away. “But I’m – I’m getting better. And you can too,” I pleaded. “I don’t want you to go. Please don’t. Just try.”

“I’ve been trying,” he said, his voice just a step away from a growl. “I’m just not as good at playing human as you are, okay? Especially not when you – when you’re the only reason for me to try, and you’re never …” He trailed off and just shook his head. “Jamie, please. Just come with me when I go.” He cut his eyes towards Rae and Tai again, as if making sure they weren’t watching, then pressed his forehead against mine for a second and walked out.

As the door closed behind him, Tai bounded up, followed shortly by Rae, who held a couple plates of food. Afraid she might ask what Dean and I had been talking about, and too flustered and confused just then to want to consider it myself, I stood. Though I started making some excuse, she reached out and caught my hand when I went to turn away and looked at me intently.

“Wh-what?”

“Your eyes,” she said, somewhere between fascinated and horrified. “They’re not quite red but –”

A distressed call tore us away suddenly. Eyes widening, we ran outside and looked around fervently for its source. My eyes finally lit on Jonathan atop the tall building. He knelt at the very edge, leaning out as far as he could, his fingers gripping the narrow ledge the only thing keep him from falling. I suppose I should’ve been worried for his safety, but for some reason all I could think was how he looked like a strange sort of gargoyle perched there. As we watched, he let go with one hand to motion furiously towards the wall opposite the river – the one that was still had a weak segment – and it finally dawned on me what he was saying.

“Zombies! Horde! Hurry up!”

Dean flashed into the Rec Room. I just stood there dumbly for a moment longer, sensing the others moving around me to gather their weapons but somehow unable to move. The situation had changed too fast; I hadn’t yet gotten a grasp on what Dean had been trying to tell me, and now this? I couldn’t –

Sam jostled me on his way out of the Rec Room, giving me an odd look, but it was Dean’s brusque voice that forced me to move, if only to turn my head. “How many?” he was demanding.

He’d caught Jonathan by the shoulder (his grip doubtless harder than it had to be), and when the smaller man didn’t answer right away he gave him a little shake.

“Well?”

“At least ninety, maybe more, and over fifty hellhounds,” Jonathan snapped, trying to wrench Dean’s hand off and getting absolutely nowhere until Dean let him go willingly and stormed off. Jonathan glared after him a second, then noticed me watching and snapped at me too. “Sitting this one out, sweetheart?”

“I –”

Tera interrupted, “We really don’t need this right now.” She held a pair of rifles out. I took one uncertainly, and Jonathan accepted his almost grudgingly. Rae dashed past us and into the Rec Room, Tai in her arms (when had he left the building?); I turned to watch them, but Tera’s snapped fingers brought my eyes back to her. She and Jonathan had started walking away.

“Trinity, are you coming or what?”

A rifle cracked. I jumped and looked up to see Dean on top of that building, scope attached to his gun. He fired again. Rae brushed past again, a gun in her arms instead of a child. The contrast – not to mention the rare sight of Rae holding a gun – gave me a pause, which apparently lasted longer than a few seconds. Jonathan appeared in front of me. He’d dropped his rifle to take my hand – no, no his rifle was slung over his shoulder, the same one Dean had grabbed, and that was mine on the ground. I simply couldn’t … think …

“Trinity, are you all right?” he squinted at me with a mixture of concern and frustration. My head was spinning but I nodded.

“I just – just –”

He retrieved my gun and pushed it towards me. I tried to take it, but it slipped out of my grasp. Rifles chorusing at the wall; moans and crashes as undead pushed through our barricade by sheer force of numbers. Rae and Sam and Tera were holding their own, aided by Dean up on high, but if they managed to break in – Jonathan used a hand to block my view and direct my eyes back to him. “Trin –”

Before he could finish, I stuttered, “Y-You’ve got to help them!”

“Yes, so do we both.” He picked the gun back up again, irritated, and physically wrapped my fingers around the stock and barrel. “Come on. What’s wrong with you?”

He started trying to pull me in the direction of the skirmish, and I found myself digging my heels in. What was wrong with me? I was terrified – petrified. I’d never been so scared in my life, not even at the river with an injured ankle. Some little voice laughed and hissed, This is how it feels to be mortal.

Jonathan swore and barked my name again, jerking on my wrist. Dean’s rifle cracked; there was an explosion of dirt no two feet away. Jonathan leapt away, covering his head with an arm, and I look up to see Dean had turned his gun inside the Park’s walls. I could only stare at him. He shouted something at Jonathan – if past experiences were any example, it was something to the effect of ‘keep your hands off her’ – and Jonathan’s only (rather nonchalant) reaction was to flip him off and turn his attention back to me. With obvious effort, he kept his voice level.

“Princess, whatever it is that’s wrong, I’m afraid it has to wait until later.” He started easing the gun away from me, no easy task since my hands had clenched up now. “If you can’t fight with us, I want you to wait in the Rec Room. All right?”

“But … I-I’m …” Aren’t I the protector, the killer, the hunter? Isn’t that what I was ‘made for’? How can I sit aside, hide away with a child, while the others fight?

“Trinity, please.”

He sounded remarkably calm for someone who’d just been shot at by his own supposed ally. That rifle was still firing regularly, turned on the enemy now, along with three others. Dean’s had a sharper sound.

“Sweetheart … come on,” Jonathan coaxed, a forced smile on his face, his efforts to pry the gun out of my hands just as fruitless as when he’d tried to make Dean let go of him. He had to be aware of the similarity.

“I can’t just – I-I’ll fight,” I insisted. He started to object, but apparently decided there was no point. Though he cast his eyes upward in frustration, he leaned in to give me a quick kiss before running to join the others. The gesture gave me a little courage, even if I did wonder if he did it only to spite Dean, and I was able to force my legs and feet into motion to go after him.

Too late.

A large section of the barricade tumbled over, opening the way for dozens of lunging, grasping zombies to lurch into our home. Tera and the others all took hearty steps back, and even Jonathan, who hadn’t quite reached their line yet, back-peddled slightly. Again I froze, but this time I was able to make myself move a few more feet to draw even with them. It wasn’t so much bravery or determination as it was a feeling that if I didn’t act, I would be worthless to the group – and, worthless, I would be abandoned. Hunter. Killer Protector. “Are you coming or what?” Do something. “What’s wrong with you?” This is how it feels to be mortal …

Dean’s bullets cracked the air over my head; Tera and Sam, who stood at my sides, deafened me with their own shots. I could hear nothing but my heart panicking in my chest. My arms shook as I raised the rifle and lower my eye to the sights. How could I hit anything like that? Headshot were all that counted – and at this rate I’d be lucky to hit the broad side of a barn. Don’t worry – just fire – go through the motions and maybe you can pretend –

But they were spilling out into the complex now. Hellhounds bounded agilely between former humans’ lumbering legs, leaping ahead of them and distracting us to allow more and more of their bipedal counterparts inside. Could that possibly be strategy in action? No. No. I wouldn’t think that, just fire, just pull the trigger. The rifle’s recoil shocked me – had it be so strong before? – and it took me what felt like hours to cajole my arms back into the appropriate position. Jonathan and Rae had stepped forward slightly to cover Tera and Sam while they reloaded, and a moment later they alternated spots. I saw Rae fumbling with her fresh clip, glancing worriedly towards the Rec Room where Tai was hiding. When she slapped the clip in, she looked my way and seemed to be about to give me a reassuring smile – how ironic is that, the mouse reassuring the supposed lion? – but then she caught sight of a hellhound getting too close to Sam for comfort and turned away.

The zombies were beginning to spread around now, almost as if they were trying to surround us. Had it not been for Dean’s sharp eye up top, they might have already. The hellhounds were working their way closer and closer as we tired – or rather as the others tired, as I had scarcely moved past that first shot. Move, I commanded myself, and raised the rifle again. It was a little steadier, and I was better able to manage the recoil, but the bullet met a shoulder instead of a forehead.

The others had re-positioned themselves somewhat, spacing out and forming a rough semi-circle that attempted to flank the onrush of zombies, and somehow I had ended up in the center. Jonathan and Rae were at my sides now, a good three yards away. I took a deep breath – some internal voice instructed, pull the trigger as you exhale – and fired. Minimal recoil. Fired again. A headshot, lucky hit but a headshot. I felt my eyes light up. I was fine, I hadn’t lost it, I still knew what I was doing – all I had to do was look at their heads, calm down, and the bullets would go where I –

“Oh God no.” I dropped the rifle entirely, and it sounded off as it hit the ground. Someone (human) cried out – Christ, did that hit Rae or Tera? – but my eyes were fixed on the zombie I’d been about to shoot. Other undead were flooding in and being swiftly gunned down, but this one was shrouded by its comrades just enough to escape its fate. Jill.

Despite the grayed skin, the missing chunks of flesh, the sightless eyes – it was undoubtedly the Park’s old second-in-command and later leader. I half-expected Wesker to be right behind her, as he always had been. Perhaps he was in the horde somewhere, shambling along with the other undead as just another nameless, faceless thing to dispatch; perhaps he’d already been downed and I’d not realized. Perhaps I’d been the one to do it. God – how could I live with myself if I’d –

Do you even know how many zombies you’ve killed? Don’t you realize they were people once too? Or do they just not count because you didn’t know them?

While I stood there, the undead pushed further into the Park, and in particular, closer to me. Jill herself was only a few feet away – closer even than my allies, whose formation had broken apart. We weren’t quite individually surrounded, but it was a near thing, and I seemed closest to death. Dean’s bullets fought in vain to keep a tiny circle clear around me – I didn’t even know where my gun was anymore. When Jill fell at last my eyes followed her, and stayed on her when a cold hand grabbed my sleeve, yanking me back. Though bullets rained all around my head I felt no panic that they might hit me, and made no move to take advantage of their attempted cover.

I felt no breath on my shoulder before the teeth sank in, colliding with bone, felt no body heat as another hand gripped my wrist and tore at the veins to open them. Jill stared up at me; I stared back down, oblivious to any pain I might’ve been experiencing. One eye winced closed when blood – mine? – spurted onto my cheek, but it was a sheerly instinctive movement.

I wondered if there was any way I could die.

I wondered if I was about to die.

And I wondered if I was being infected, despite what Dean had told me, and when the flicker of life disappeared from me and the zombies lost interest, I might stand again and join the horde. I might be the one to fall upon Rae or Jonathan and turn them. Would he be afraid? Was the image in my mind an accurate portrayal of his wide-eyed fear – and would he notice, would it matter that it was me? Or would he fight until the very last breath, never have time to be afraid, dispensing me alongside the other zombies without a care? Would he smile that little smile, the one I’d seen before …

Rough, broken zombie fingernails scraped at my face. I closed my other eye and twisted my head away, feeling, a second later, blood fill my ear. My heartbeat seemed to double in volume, and only then did I realize it was no longer racing. It was … slowing. Dying? I opened my eyes again to see the ground, covered in dirt turned to mud. Zombie shins and feet, some naked and some still clothed in torn pants and ragged shoes, boots. Black boots – thick-soled and well-maintained, little spikes at the toes that I’d never before noticed but that didn’t seem at all out of place. Things got brighter. Cold hands and jaws released me. Out of the ear that was still functioning, I could hear sickening squelching sounds, but when my head lolled to the other side and drained the blood out of that ear, I thought things in general were quieter than they had been. I sighed – pull the trigger as you exhale – almost in bliss, and felt the last of the cold presences fall away.

The shock of tumbling to my knees had me in action again. My left hand jittered up to my neck, trying to stop the flow of blood. Was that a main artery? Surely it wasn’t, I wasn’t bleeding nearly enough for …

My body started to fall forwards but I caught myself on my other hand. My vision beyond a couple yards was blurry when I tried to look up, but there weren’t so many moving shapes now. Small ones, low to the ground – hellhounds – were still dashing here and there, but they were rapidly being downed. Human shapes were more focused than the shambling zombies – two of them moved among the straggling undead. One moved a little less surely than the other, limping slowly from place to place.

Until my hearing fully returned, I didn’t realize it was muted. I heard shouting coming from somewhere to the side, shouts of anger instead of the pain I would have expected. Female. Tera? Yes. It took all my concentration, but I was able to make out the words – don’t you have eyes? Do I look undead? Can’t you shoot straight?

Then warmth, a stark contrast to the chilly zombie flesh, gripped my wrist, and I felt hot breath on my shoulder. Haltingly I turned my head, still covering the wound in my neck, to see in crystal clarity Jonathan resting his forehead there. He raised his eyes to meet mine exhaustedly, and when he tried to ask are you okay? no sound came out. Luckily I understood, but it seemed like a foolish question to ask someone who was using one hand to hold in their life’s blood. He apparently took my silence as an affirmative, though, and looked back down before closing his eyes. He released my wrist to plant his hand on the ground to support himself, next to his rifle – or maybe it was mine? – and a pair of knives where they’d fallen when he joined me in the dirt. His other hand, the left, was cradled against his chest, and though it was covered in dark blood, I couldn’t tell how badly injured it really was.

I tried to tune in the sounds of what was going on around me, but between his ragged breathing and my now-quickening heartbeat all I could make out was Tera’s shouting. Blurrily, I saw Rae limping as rapidly as she could back towards the Rec Room, and realized that her injury must have happened when my rifle misfired. The irony … Because I couldn’t shoot an undead woman, I had shot a living woman with a child. I gritted my teeth and let my hand slip away from my neck – it felt like it had healed now anyway, if it had ever been as bad as I’d thought – and rolled back on my heels. Jonathan moved with me, albeit with a slight, indistinct complaint. His eyes fluttered open and he gave me a brief, annoyed look before they closed again.

My heartbeat having faded into the background, I was able to concentrate more fully on Tera. She was holding her left forearm as if it were injured, and I did see red seeping between the fingers clutching at her apparent wound, but she wasn’t slowed down by it in the slightest. Her shouts were directed at Sam, who seemed to be nothing short of begging for her forgiveness. The poor guy could barely get a word in edgewise. Then both stopped, however, when they heard Tai.

Rae had limited herself to the one towel, which had seemed inconsequential at the time, but I was grateful for it now. I doubted any of us would ever want to use the thing again, and we couldn’t spare two or three. Nevertheless, I refrained from throwing it in the fire. Maybe Tera would want to wash it thoroughly and keep it around for tending to other wounds. The pot Rae had boiled the now-bloody water in, I poured out into the sink, knowing that it eventually emptied out into the river. Fish blood, human blood – by that point who really cared if it mixed. Then I scrubbed out the pot and sink both. While I was standing still there, Tai drifted over and latched onto my leg, seeking solace and apparently deeming me second best in lieu of his mother. If I hadn’t felt compelled to scrub until my fingers were about to bleed themselves, I would’ve actively comforted him; I suspected from the look on his little face that just then we were equals in a state of relative numbness.

Finally satisfied that my job was finished, I bent down to heft the boy up to sit on the counter. He weighed so little – I couldn’t help but think that if he’d bled out all Jonathan just had, there’d be nothing left of him, though as pale as his skin was it was a wonder he had any blood at all. Well, maybe he didn’t. He was still ‘different,’ still Taijitsu underneath it all, or such was my belief. Whether or not Rae chose to accept that, I didn’t know – didn’t care. In any form he was a child to me, just a wide-eyed, scared kid. I smoothed back a few invisible stands from his forehead, the gesture completely automatic as he had no hair. The little chemo patient, I thought, giving him a smile as weak as my hands felt.

“It’s okay, Tai,” I assured him. “We’re all okay.”

His anxious look told me he didn’t believe a word of it. I wasn’t sure I did, but that wasn’t exactly the message I wanted to convey.

“I promise,” I insisted. “I’m fine, see? You’re fine. Your mom’s fine. Sam and the others will be in soon.” I glanced over my shoulder at Jonathan. Where he sat, his back was to me, but he was moving: the uninjured hand combed through his hair in a way that suggested either restlessness or nervousness. I was hoping for the former. Finally I felt comfortable murmuring, “And Jonathan’ll be okay.”

But Tai wouldn’t be reassured. I didn’t blame him for that, but what did concern me slightly was that his eyes seemed unwilling to leave the door. Rae had been outside for some time. Surely Dean’s little company hadn’t opposed her orders to keep it down. Not Tera and Sam at least – and Dean …

I was tired. I didn’t know if I could deal with him right now, especially knowing he was responsible for the last questionable hour of suffering, which hadn’t at all been entirely Jonathan’s. I might back off when I shouldn’t or I might explode – hell at this point I might just fall apart on him, and none of those were good options. No, it would be better to just keep away from him until I was in top condition. How sad that I scarcely even consider looking at Dean unless I’m in fighting form, I reflected, but that was just how it was. I blamed it on him. Doubtless he blamed it on me. Right then I just didn’t feel up to arguing it out with him again. I would have to trust that between the three of them, Rae and Tera and Sam could deal with him if he got out of control. If nothing else, I thought Sam could be counted on to shoot him if necessary – not fatally of course, just to slow him down and give him a little shock.

With Tai trailing behind, I returned to Jonathan, who’d pulled the coat around his shoulders if not actually put it on. His eyes were half-closed but opened fully when we approached. He glanced at Tai almost resignedly, then looked up at me hopefully, and his smile was identical to a self-satisfied tomcat’s when I curled up tight against him and pulled the coat around myself as well. I rested my head on his uninjured shoulder, sitting on my shins to allow Tai to nestle in on my other side, and put an arm around each of them. Though he didn’t seem thrilled about having to share me with a child, Jonathan accepted it and laid his head down on mine contentedly.

“This is new,” he commented. I assumed he was referring to the fact that I was actually curling up with him instead of the other way around.

“Special occasion,” I murmured, squeezing him gently. “Don’t get used to it.”

“Fair enough.”

I told myself to rest my eyes for moment, but when they finally closed, I couldn’t hear Tai and Jonathan’s easy, steady breathing. The only thing that echoed around in the darkness was Hail Mary, full of grace … pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death, amen …

And even tired as I was, I found that Tai’s apparent paranoia had rubbed off on me. I couldn’t stop watching the door, waiting for Rae to come back in or to hear shouting and fighting outside. The longer the silence stretched, the more uncomfortable I got. The thought that something bad had happened or was happening to Rae grew and grew, until I just couldn’t stand it anymore. Tired or not I had to do something. Nudging Jonathan to make sure he was awake, I regretfully slid out of my cozy position and stepped towards the door. Tai clung to my hand until I physically pulled his off, and then he immediately assumed my place next to Jonathan; in lieu of absolutely anyone else, apparently, even the creepy stranger would do. He winced as the little boy wrapped one arm directly over the bullet wound, and seemed considerably less than thrilled with the arrangement in general, but was gentle about repositioning him and even (grudgingly) offered him the shelter of the coat. We exchanged equally pathetic attempts at smiles before I slipped out the door.

Outside it was dark – obviously it had gotten later than I’d expected. The moon was unusually bright, however, maybe full, and gave out enough light to see the carnage still strewn about the Park. It silhouetted the tall carrion birds perched here and there, feasting. I was insanely relived that Tai was inside: one of those things could probably fly away with him whole. The moon also let me see the two figures standing at the Park’s gate. The smaller had her arms crossed; the larger held a gun at his side. Dean, I thought, every ounce of weariness coming back – and then I realized the grumbling voice the slight breeze carried to me wasn’t Dean’s. Not Sam’s either. Not even close. Oh come on, no, not now.

David.

Burly and low-voiced as ever, muscular arms hunched against the wind, he stood there before a Rae I hoped was vindictive. Hoped, but didn’t quite expect – she had changed a lot in the past few days, with taking control of the Park, repeatedly putting Dean in line (not an easy task, I knew), even down to the minutes previous when she’d ventured way out of her comfort zone to operate on Jonathan. But David … he surely would remind her of a past when she’d have completely deserved the nickname Doormat. I just hoped – I would have prayed if I’d thought it would work – that he didn’t drag her –

Then came the ones I’d been expecting, crashing up loudly enough to be heard ten seconds before their actual arrival. Most of the birds took flight, screeching their displeasure, but some were impudent enough to merely shuffle into corners and continue with their all-you-can-eat. Rae and David both turned, jumpy, and I, still reluctant to face Dean or anyone else, retreated into the shadow cast by the Rec Room just like one of the birds. Unsurprisingly Dean’s voice was the first to be heard, barking at the other two to hurry up, that they were nearly there. Then I could make out Tera gasping something about Dean “not being human,” which he didn’t take very kindly to, true or not; Sam took the opportunity to get a shot in at Dean for being touchy. I sighed. Sounded like they’d had a fun trip.

Rae broke away from David to go meet them. While Dean scowled, Sam and Tera told her that the town – which was much further away than he’d made it out to be – had already been raided despite its zombie populace. Again, I sighed. Time wasted. But Dean was quick to argue that just because there was no food at the town didn’t make it a waste. There was plenty of lumber we could use to beef up the Park’s defenses and keep today’s incident from happening again. I wanted very much to tell him that my ‘today’s incident’ had consisted mainly of helping to undo his damages (or at least trying to), but I restrained myself. About that time he noticed David standing beyond Rae and openly gaped at him.

“What the hell, you’re still alive?”

Rae seemed to murmur to the other two that this was the much-fabled David. They looked almost in awe of him. Not finding this the reaction I thought they should have, I sidled over to Rae myself, and while David grumbled back something along the lines of “don’t sound so disappointed,” I confronted her.

“You’re letting him in here?” I demanded in a whisper. “After everything he’s done to you?”

“Would you have me turn another living human being away?”

I could claim that David wasn’t much of a human being and should therefore be turned out, but then again, neither was I, neither was Dean, and sometimes I wondered if Jonathan was. So if the Park only let in respectable people, true enough, it would have to evict half its current tenants. I didn’t like it in the slightest, but I crossed my arms and held my tongue. Soon Sam and Tera had gone off to the Rec Room saying something about scraping together an evening meal – which sounded like an excellent idea to me – and Dean filled Rae in on the details of the supplies at the other town. All the while he studiously ignored David – finally something we could agree on. Until, unfortunately, he caught mine and David’s intercepting glares, and he was distracted from his conversation with Rae to give me a smirk. On Jonathan the expression had become almost endearing; on a face meant for grinning, it was just … wrong.

“What’s your problem?” he asked spitefully. “Isn’t he enough like your other buddy to keep you happy?”

My fists clenched. I refused to indulge him in an answer.

“And now I’m not even worth talking to – go figure.” He scoffed. “Whatever. Have fun with your convicts then.”

“Dean,” I growled. Rae was saying something, telling us to cool off most likely, but as exhausted as my body was, a surge of adrenaline was spiking through my veins. I scarcely noticed his use of ‘convicts’ – how does he know that only flickered through my mind long enough to get the hissed response who the f*ck really cares. I wanted to fight.

“… if they’re still all in one piece, that is,” he drawled, ignoring Rae’s reprimand.

I wanted to kill.

“Because, you might have that problem, y’know. After you’re done with them.”

Again I heard Rae telling him off, but in truth, all he was doing was standing there, running his mouth. A tiny glint of red in his eyes. No punches were being thrown, yet. I – I could feel the purple-blue-yellow-red vision invading the corners of my eyes, the hunter creeping up my back like a cat’s hair standing on end. Fight him. It’s what he wants can’t you tell – fight him. Kill him. Destroy him.

What? No. No!

His eyebrow c0cked arrogantly, he regarded me with that slight red glow, and I realized he was baiting me. It wasn’t so much the fight itself that he wanted as the hunter who would be fighting – maybe that was all he’d ever wanted of me. I forced my fists open and took a deep breath. Normal colors pushed back the infrared mix at the corners of my eyes. Rae’s voice came back into my range of hearing, and she was saying just what I thought she would be. I gave her a taut smile.

“It’s all right, Rae.”

I turned to walk away. What a strange reversal, that I was saying that to her now with my old assurance and cold confidence. Dean was instantly at my back, ominously whispering, “If I don’t tear him apart first, Jamie, you will the first time he touches you.”

Every muscle in my legs tensed up. Dean chuckled softly into the crook of my neck, and a thousand responses came to my mind, most of them violent. But one stood out. I turned my head slowly to look at him, and with what I vainly thought was quite admirable coolness, I said, “He already has.”

When I walked again, Dean stayed behind. Imagining the look on his face, I allowed myself a wicked grin, then cleared my expression and pushed into the Rec Room. Rae came in right behind me, giving me a slightly worried look. I just shook my head. I was quite certain I’d won this round.

Rather than scratch up some supper, Tera had gotten distracted with looking over Jonathan’s wounds, making sure Rae and I hadn’t botched anything apparently. He looked like he was in pain, and gave me an appealing look, but quite honestly I was grateful. Now if I’d done anything wrong, it would be re-done correctly, and I wouldn’t have to think ‘what if I didn’t wrap that gauze tight enough’ every five minutes. I gave him an apologetic shrug. Meanwhile, Sam was with Tai, trying to bring a smile to the little boy’s face. Tai, though, kept his eyes on the door until Dean skulked in, and behind him, David. When the latter entered, Tai cringed and half-hid behind Sam. I frowned and darted a glance at Rae, but if she noticed this it wasn’t apparent: she was in the kitchen area now, moving slowly but seeming intent upon fixing supper.

After what she’d done for Jonathan (and my sanity by extension) I wasn’t about to let that happen. I rushed to join her, and though I couldn’t persuade her to settle down entirely, I managed to do most of the work. It helped when Tera joined us a few moments later, having moved Jonathan to his bed. She made a feeble joke about the women working in the kitchen, and where I might have at least smirked ordinarily, the truth was the only one of the guys I had any interest in being around was Jonathan, and he wasn’t up to the task. Dean was Dean, David was David, and unfortunately for Sam, right then he would have reminded me too strongly of his brother.

David made himself at home at the table. I wondered if he’d be amused to know he was sitting in the same chair another man had been bleeding to death in earlier in the evening. He probably got off on that sort of thing, I thought with a vicious scowl. Dean copied him, though he sat about as far away as possible and rested his arms and chin on the table. He kept shooting me those betrayed looks, which had once made him seem so piteous and now only angered me. Sam, to his credit, stayed with Tai, who was slowly, slowly easing out of his hiding spot. The only looks Sam was shooting anyone were confused – and like Dean’s grin and Jonathan’s smirk, I’m afraid the look seemed to come to him quite naturally. It was odd that, next to Tai, he was the most innocent-seeming of us. Considering who he was supposedly related to. Maybe once upon a time I would have considered that just another thing the two had in common; now it was in the column for things that worked to disprove his fraternal claims.

Eventually we put together a meal of canned meat, canned potatoes, and assorted canned vegetables without it turning out too badly – largely thanks to Tera, who I was beginning to suspect was actually the messiah of some culinary god – and carried the dishes to the table. When Tera announced that as the women had cooked, the men would wash the dishes, they assumed a look of collective astonishment. Finally something they could agree on – but no one made a complaint. I noticed Rae was no longer limping, and tried to look on that as a good thing instead of wondering if she’d simply been able to hide it. I must’ve just nicked her, I told myself firmly. Then to lift my spirits, I selected a plate, picked up a pair of forks, and carried it over to the bed from which Jonathan had sullenly observed the goings-on. When Dean gave me an especially venomous look for it, I just smiled and sat down.

Jonathan made some comment about wanting all his meals in bed from now on, but ate little in reality. Even when I threatened to withhold kissing rights and keep his goddamn coat for the rest of eternity, he laughed but wasn’t encouraged to eat. Maybe he wasn’t convinced I’d follow through, which was fair, as I had no intentions of such. Eventually I gave up and finished it off myself, watching the others not talk to each other and not look at each other. Once the meal was over, I watched Dean and Sam stand on opposite sides of David to wash, and Rae sit quietly and hold Tai while she supervised. Tera had excused herself and gone to bed, and it occurred to me that she was probably the smart one, getting out of there before trouble started. It certainly looked to be brewing. Soon, Rae took Tai to bed, mouthing ‘good night’ to me. I gave a tiny, slightly forlorn wave in return.

Once the door closed behind her, Jonathan murmured (sounding half-asleep), without any apparent reason, “You’re the only female in the room now.”

“So?”

Eyes closed, he barely moved his lips to say, “So keep your guard up.”

I scoffed. “I can kick any of their *sses.”

“I don’t doubt it, sweetheart,” he said with a smirk that proved he wasn’t as drowsy as he was pretending. “Still.”

“Still what? You’re getting territorial now?”

“No; I am however concerned one of them might think I am and quite sincerely attempt to bash my face in.” He cracked one eye open and nodded toward David, who seemed to be conferring with Dean over where he was supposed to sleep. “Besides which, that one makes me feel like I’m one of the females in the room.”

I snickered.

“There we go. About time.” He yawned silently and leaned his head against my shoulder. I wasn’t sure why he was so insistent that it made such a good pillow. “For future reference, I am now asleep.”

“Right. Just like you were before,” I remarked, but when he didn’t reply I didn’t bother to goad him. The other men had finally sorted themselves out: with Dean and Sam in their usual beds, the only place left oven for David was what had previously been my bed. Actually quite handy, I thought with a smirk, that Jonathan and I are content to share, isn’t it Dean? As if intercepting my thoughts, he shot one final glare over at me before blowing out the last candle.

In the dark, David crept over to the other bed. I kept my gaze on him, and he kept his on me, as if we were a pair of tigers or some other jungle cat circling each other warily. Fighting over territory, perhaps. It didn’t escape my attention that he propped his rifle against the side of the bed, and I doubted highly that it escaped his that my pistol and knife never left my belt. In a strange way this all felt natural and everyday, in a hail hail the gang’s all here kind of way, but I couldn’t help but wish this particular member of ‘the gang’ had stayed gone. Maybe I could trade him out for Corey, I thought, or Keith. Or even just return him, plain and simple – perhaps Rae still had his receipt –

Then he surprised me by either forfeiting or disregarding our little staring contest. He turned his back to me.

Aaaaaaand that’s a wrap. That’s all I have done, all I have planned, just plain all of it. Awaitin’ your response I guess.