~ Welcome to Quills ~

“What? You’re certain? You’re absolutely, 100 percent certain?”

“Yeah.”

“Where is he?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know the way back. As far as I know he’s not there now anyway. He had a woman with him. He said they were friends since childhood-”

“Who?”

“I don’t know. Trinity. B-but he calls her Jamie.”

“Jamie? Jamie who?”

“I don’t know! I don’t know!”

“Come on, think!”

I shook my head. Sam was on his feet now pacing erratically. “I swear I don’t know. He never said it.”

“Can’t be,” he said, shaking his head. “We didn’t grow up with any ‘Jamie.’ We moved around all the time thanks to dad and his transfers. We never stayed anywhere long enough to have friends anywhere, let alone since childhood.”

As I sat listening my mind was a blur of every conversation I’d had with Dean, every words I’d shared with Trinity, trying to piece things together and draw some conclusions that I could pass on to Sam as he continued pacing, but it was to no avail. It was easier to accept the fact I must have been mistaken than to rack my brain for answers that I wasn’t even certain were pertinent now. Eventually Sam sat down again but it was clear the seeds of doubt had been planted. He looked around at his surrounds, at the modest home he had lived in, had sought shelter in, had held out hope alone for a maddening amount of time, and lowered his head sadly.

“If there’s a chance he’s even still out there I have to find him,” he said, his voice stripped of its emotion.

When he broached the idea about coming with me to The Park I was taken aback. By that point several days had passed and I was starting to settle in, up high where it was safe, where things were for the most part readily available, and where life was already ‘settled’ and all the hard work had literally been done for me. But whether it was Tai’s decisiveness or memories of David’s sacrifice (or act of cowardice) or feeling that old familiar sense of belonging I’d once held so dear back there so long ago I found myself nodding back in agreement; I had no logical argument against having company, even if I still barely knew what kind of man he was. At that point it no longer mattered. Though I grieved for David I was too tired to maintain the appropriate vigil I probably should have. Grief had always been a wasted emotion in times of war, a sentiment he’d often repeated himself. The fight may have been over for him but the battle still raged on for me. All too soon I was going to have to go back out there yet again and face it head-on, and unlike that murdering, lying son-of-a-bitch there was no where for me to run. In the still and crowded little apartment I rested my head back on the cushions, nestled on to a bed that wasn’t full of rotting corpses or stank of age and mildew or a demanding lover and drifted often off to a much-needed sleep.

A few more days would pass before we would be ready to make a move. By the time we ventured off on foot, just the three of us, a small sliver of hope had returned, rising above the anguish, at the thought that after all this time, that after all that had since happened, finally I was headed back to the only place that had ever truly felt like ‘home.’

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So that's all I have at the moment. As I said at the start not quite sure how to integrate myself back into The Park now but I'll wait and maybe see what happens. Feel free to write me in or write something that I can launch off or just leave me hanging to write myself in ;) It's all good either way. I'll be waiting.

-- Edited by Ravynlee on Sunday 6th of September 2009 11:24:33 AM

* * * * * * * * *

 

Dean chewed absently-mindedly on a thin splinter of wood, peering through his rifle’s scope with one eye squinted closed. I stood behind him with my arms crossed over my chest, keeping a close watch on Tera, down below. Although we had agreed that the newcomers probably weren’t dangerous, he insisted on keeping his eagle eye on them; I, in turn, had insisted on staying by him. I hadn’t given him a reason, and he hadn’t asked – he probably knew better than I did that I wanted to get a feel for them before interacting. Tera was happy to simply get out of the Rec Room, and I sensed that she was the most excited of any of us at the prospect of new people – considering she was used to the multitudes at the Prison, it wasn’t surprising.

 

By pure chance, I was distracted when they came through the gates. I had noticed a small flock of birds flying around the tree tops, and was wondering if there was any way we could trap and eat them, if they would even be safe to eat, when Dean spoke.

 

“Hey,” he said warmly, or at least that’s what I thought he said. When I turned around with a “huh?” he laughed delightedly and said again, “Jamie, it’s Rae.”

 

“What?” I gasped, forgetting the birds entirely and spinning to wrench the rifle out of his hands. He snapped the safety on habitually before handing it over, and in a second I had trained the crosshairs on …

 

Yes. Rae.

 

“My God,” I whispered, and dropped the rifle.

 

“Hey, careful with that,” he reproached me, but I was already half-way down the fire escape. What were the chances? How was this even possible? My god – how was she not dead after all this time? Maybe next time I should have more faith in her ability to survive.

 

The tall, thin man she was with and the little boy only really registered on me when I got nearer. They were both definitively not David – where was he? I was suddenly glad Dean had stayed on the roof with his gun. Tera, who’d been introducing herself, stopped when she realized Rae’s attention had been diverted to me. She looked between us.

 

“Let me guess,” she said. “Not exactly the newcomers you thought they were?”

 

“N-No,” I breathed. “Rae came to the Park before I did.” I swallowed and took a few more hesitant steps toward Rae and her new little entourage, now not so sure that she would be as happy to see me as I was to see her. Hadn’t we been arguing the last time we’d spoken? And now she just looked at me with something like wariness, keeping a protective hand around the boy’s shoulders.

 

But she was the first to break the ice. “I … I wasn’t sure you’d be here.”

 

But are you glad I am? I wanted to ask. Instead I just smiled awkwardly. “Yeah,” I said pointlessly. “I, um … Corey told me you’d left for here and Jonathan and I set out right away, but we never found you. I just … decided I would hope to meet you here.” Softly, I added, “I wasn’t sure you were going to make it.”

 

She returned my smile, just as uncomfortably. “I wasn’t sure all the time either.”

 

“You look different,” I found myself saying. “Better.” Then I just broke out with, “David, um, where …? A-And …?” I cut my eyes at the new man.

 

She shifted her gaze downward. “David’s gone,” she murmured. I resisted cheering only because she looked so unhappy about it. “And this is Sam,” she finished, more upbeat. “He helped me and Tai.”

 

“Tai –” I looked at the kid for the first time, and he raised his eyes to look back. For a second I was frozen. It had seemed like – almost as if … I knew him. Tai? Taijit– “Tai?” I said again, looking back to Rae, alarmed.

 

She bit her lip. I stared between the two of them – her eyes on the ground again, the little boy looking up at me, practically beaming. Christ, even if I wasn’t sure I knew him, he certainly knew me. On impulse, I dropped to one knee before him, tipping the brim of his ball cap up to study him better. He was so human, and so frail-looking, and yet somehow recognizable. I decided I could see a lot of Rae in him, in the shape of his eyes (which were black, but not fully), the tilt of his head. That strange, helpless innocence I had seen in the monster – it had taken over somehow. Maybe there was a bare shadow of what he had been, but it was fading even as I gazed at him in wonderment.

 

I realized I was smiling, without a trace of bitterness or sarcasm, just as he was smiling at me.

 

“Tai,” I said one final time, rather weakly, but contentedly. “Way to go, kid. Nice to see you again.”

 

As I stood back up, Rae urged him, “Tai, this is Trinity. Can you say her name? Trin-i-ty,” she enunciated slowly.

 

He merely looked baffled, as if thinking, You expect me to say that? That’s three whole syllables! I couldn’t help but giggle. At his reluctant first attempt (which sounded more like ‘tree tea’ than my name), I assured him, “That’s not bad. You’ll get there.”

 

I was so entranced by Tai and Rae that I hadn’t noticed the new guy, Sam, talking to Tera. When she pointed up to the building Dean was still kneeling on, I barely glanced at them, but when Sam started off that way, I turned to follow him with my eyes. Seeing my look, Tera merely shrugged, saying that apparently Sam and Dean were friends or relatives or something. I frowned – that was hardly likely – but Rae was quick to tell me that Sam had indeed had a picture of the two together.

 

She said they were brothers.

 

As Sam reached the roof, Dean looked over at him. From my vantage point, I couldn’t hear most of what was being said, but when Sam got closer, Dean stood and backed away. His voice got louder; Sam’s did in response; I finally caught the phrase “what are you talking about?” but when I realized I couldn’t be sure which of them said it, it dawned on me that although their builds were different, their features bore some definite resemblances – and obviously their voices were similar, though Dean’s was a little deeper. Well, that made since. He had to be the elder of the two, since he was certainly older than me, and if Sam was it was only barely. Maybe he did have a brother – something else he’d neglected to tell me about. At any rate, Sam was persistent about it, but eventually Dean threw his hands up, got in the last word, and pushed him out of the way to stomp down the fire escape.

 

He blew by us with a brusque “Hey, Rae” and slammed into the Rec Room. Tera caught my eyes and widened hers, asking What the hell? I raised my hands in a Don’t look at me gesture, and we both turned back up to where Sam stood alone. Even from a distance, I could see his slumped shoulders.

 

“He was looking forward to seeing his brother again,” Rae murmured. She, too, looked questioningly at me. “Why would Dean –?”

 

“Maybe it’s just a case of mistaken identity,” I suggested doubtfully. Although even I didn’t really believe it, I couldn’t help but glance down at little Tai and reflect on how drastically things and people could change.

 

Rae shook her head. “No. That was Dean in that picture. I’m sure of it. And – the way Sam talked about him – it sounded just like Dean.”

 

I gnawed on my lip, watching Sam slowly descend the stairs. I had no explanation, and was just about to promise to talk to Dean about it later when a crash came from inside the Rec Room. Rae, Tai and I all jumped, but Tera only grimaced. Sam joined us quietly, hands jammed in his pockets, head down, the only one to have no reaction at all.

 

“That’s not Dean, is it?” Rae asked, aghast.

 

“Probably –” Sam started, but Tera cut him off with a curt shake of her head.

 

“Jonathan,” she said.

 

Rae gaped at her, then me. There was another crashing sound, then a shout – then silence. Sam raised an eyebrow at Tera’s explanation. I could only look guiltily at the ground. “While we were on our way here,” I struggled to say, “some … things happened. First off there was this place, this sort of …”

 

“It was a prison,” Tera finished for me, her voice infinitely more level. “People take refuge there, people like me. Thing is it’s not the greatest place in the world, and I – a friend and I – we wanted out, and when Trinity and Jonny showed up, well, it offered us a way. My friend, Kenny, he was …” She took a breath. “He sacrificed himself for us. So …” She was actually able to smile. “So that’s where I came in.”

 

I cleared my throat. “Rae, when I left the clinic to come after you, I didn’t really prepare. I didn’t have much of any food on me. And after we got away from the Prison, we were attacked by undead wolves, and they either stole or ruined most of the rest of what we had. We’ve been running on very little food, and,” remembering she didn’t think very highly of Jonathan, I put in, “I guess you won’t believe it, but – but Jonathan gave up almost all of his portions for the rest of us. So even though I suffered quite a bit, he … he …”

 

“Went off the deep end,” Tera asserted.

 

“Yeah,” I mumbled. “Pretty well.”

 

Rae’s concern, I was sure, wasn’t for Jonathan himself, but it looked sincere. She reached out suddenly to give me a hug, whispering, “I’m sorry,” in my ear. I was grateful she didn’t say more – I’m sorry; he was always crazy, of course, but I’m sorry. Maybe, since I hadn’t pursued David’s disappearance, she figured she owed it to me. Maybe she just knew it would hurt me and had no wish to do so. Realizing Tai had grabbed my hand and was looking up at me meaningfully, I laughed a little tearfully and knelt to squeeze him back.

 

Sam watched all this like he was the kid picked last for a team. Brushing at my eyes, I motioned for them all to come to the Rec Room, explaining that it was more or less our base of operations within the Park. At that point Tera took over, since she actually knew what had been going on, and I dropped back to speak to Sam.

 

“Hey,” I said, “I don’t know what’s going on with Dean, but he trusts me more than anyone else. I’ll talk to him for you later, okay?”

 

He nodded unsurely and thanked me. “So you’re … Jamie?”

 

I nodded back, crossing my arms for warmth. “Jamie. Trinity. Whichever, I guess.”

 

“And you know Dean how, exactly?” he asked, a bit of understandable suspicion in his voice.

 

I hesitated. It felt a little like I was betraying Dean, but it was my history as well, after all, even if I was getting tired of telling the story. “Honestly, I’m not positive,” I admitted. “He says we knew each other when we were kids, but around the time the world was going to hell, something happened to me that made me lose my memory. I’m remembered a few things, but I’m not sure if they’re real or just … wishful thinking.”

 

Sam only looked more confused. “It doesn’t make sense,” he murmured.

 

I shrugged. I couldn’t help him any more than I had, at least until I spoke with Dean. “Let’s go in,” I said with a jerk of my head. “I’m cold out here.”

 

We shared a timid smile, then walked on to the Rec Room. Like his apparent brother would have, he opened the door for me. I suppressed a grin. If he was acting, he was doing a damn thorough job of it – but he really seemed too sweet for such a thing. I didn’t know what his and Dean’s story was – yet – but no matter what it was, I didn’t think I would be able to harbor any ill will for Sam.

 

Candles had been lit on the table in the center of the room to fend off the shadows. I didn’t know if the old generator wasn’t working or had been stolen, but either way, we had no electricity. A makeshift fireplace I hadn’t noticed before, made of cement blocks and bricks, was taking advantage of a small hole in the wall that Dean hadn’t patched, and a fire had been started there. While Tera – and Sam when we came in – pooled our collective supplies on the fireplace, Dean and Tai seemed to be getting to know each other by the table, and Rae watched over her son with both pride and a certain protective gleam in her eyes. She finally accepts him, I thought happily. Maybe it took this strange transformation, but what does it matter? She’s able to love him now. If Dean had any clue as to what the little boy really was, he showed no sign of it (when Rae said his name, his only comment was “Tai? That’s a cool name”), but then he’d never had much contact with Taijitsu. I debated over whether or not to tell him, but decided that it would be Rae’s call.

 

Looking at the five of them moving about, getting comfortable with each other, acquainting and reacquainting, I smiled, but couldn’t help but think of those who were missing. Amy, Keith and Corey – they’d become such a fixture so quickly. I hadn’t thought about how I would miss them, and even the Doc with his biting comments and infinite intellect. And, in a way, even David. I didn’t miss him in a nostalgic way, exactly – I had never liked the man from day one – but I’d just gotten so used to his glowering presence lingering around Rae. And I couldn’t deny that if we were attacked, I would rather have him than Tera.

 

And of course, Jonathan. Against my will, my eyes drifted over to where he lay lifelessly in the still-dark corner, and my body followed. I stood by the dresser he was hooked to, berating myself for continuing to do this, especially with Rae and Tai and Sam around, but I couldn’t quite seem to tear myself away. When I leaned over on the dresser, my hand fell on his long, black leather coat. I looked at it curiously for a moment, then decided, why not? He wouldn’t be using it, at least not tonight, and I needed a coat, and … when I pulled it on, his strange scent washed over me. If I couldn’t be with him, maybe this was the next best thing.

 

Unfortunately, when I pulled it on, I also felt about ten pounds heavier. Running my hands over the outside to feel for pockets, I found only two. Both of them were empty save for the black cotton gloves folded up neatly in one, but when I slid my hand inside the coat, I found a multitude of them. Some were large, some were small, a few had zippers or clasps, and all had something in them. It was tempting to go snooping, but I restrained myself, and instead shrugged, trying to get it to rest more lightly on my shoulders.

 

“Christ,” I murmured, checking the length of it. It fell very nearly to my ankles, but I assured myself I would get used to it. “This thing weighs a ton, Jonathan. How’d you put up with it?”

 

I half expected him to open his eyes and smirk at me, and say something sarcastic. Even though he didn’t, I smiled sadly at the mental image. It would be just like him to have faked all this simply to mess with us, and so he’d have an excuse to randomly attack Dean.

 

“Trinity?”

 

I turned around in surprise to see Rae. Tai was still over at the table, where Dean was entertaining him with something requiring grandiose hand movements. A story, I assumed. He seemed just as into it as the little boy, if not more so.

 

“Oh. Hey,” I said dumbly, freezing in the middle of cuffing up my sleeves.

 

Rae came closer and took over the job, doing it much more quickly and efficiently than I had been. “Were you … talking to him?”

 

“Yeah. Kinda,” I mumbled.

 

“Trinity,” she said haltingly, “I know you must miss him, but … you know, at least he’s still here.” Not like David, I thought, and not like Tai’s father. “At least he still has a chance.”

 

I nodded mutely. Finishing with my second sleeve, she looked up with a pained smile, squeezed my hand, and went back to Tai and Dean, who were both still too involved with the story to notice her right away. When Tai did see her, he tugged on her hand excitedly, straining out his closest approximation of ‘mom’ and apparently trying to get her up to speed on what was going on in Dean’s fantasy land. Dean himself grinned at her broadly – I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen him so happy. I hadn’t exactly pegged him for a kid person, but he certainly seemed to be.

 

I leaned against the dresser again, the coat seeming even heavier. In a way I was jealous. Rae might have lost her Rob, but just look at the amazing child she had to show for him, and David had never been any good for her anyway – I prayed she would realize that now, and not shed too many tears over him. Meanwhile, I? All I had was a coat from Jonathan, and a fractured sense of trust for Dean. At the same time, I was glad for her – I couldn’t remember ever seeing her so happy, either – and I definitely felt like she deserved her happiness. I would do anything to preserve it. I just wished I felt freer to partake in it myself.

 

A little later, we gathered together for the best meal we’d had in some time. Sam, apparently, had been well-stocked wherever he’d been, and between amazingly few of his raw materials and Tera’s thrifty usage of them, we sat down to what seemed like a veritable feast. Of course, first we had to switch out for a larger table, and find seats for everyone. I ended up sitting on a wooden crate, cramped next to Tera, and eventually I just stood and let her have the whole thing – she deserved it anyway, which none of us let her forget. By the end of the meal she’d blushed so often her skin was just staying pink.

 

While it did border on downright festive, the meal wasn’t without its tense pockets. Dean seemed to be actively ignoring Sam, which would have been bad enough without Sam’s claims that they were family. As it was, the younger man had to be painfully aware of Dean speaking to everyone but him, and he kept his eyes on his plate almost the entire time. Rae and Tera both made it a point to engage him periodically (Tera more so since Rae was occupied with Tai), but his responses were low and unenthusiastic. It also had to sting that every time I in particular started to say something to him, Dean found something to distract me with.

 

And for me, at least, Jonathan’s form in the corner was more than a little diverting. I was terrified he would wake at some point and freak out, and scare Rae, Tai and Sam – and maybe me, too, as I hadn’t seen him have one of his episodes. That, at least, never happened, though my tenseness meant I couldn’t enjoy the food as much as I wanted to.

 

After everything Tera had prepared was gone, we sat around the table swapping stories. It was primarily Dean and Tera, though Rae surprised me by piping up to tell about when Amy and her group, and more specifically their menagerie, had come to the Park. Her voice was tentative, but as Tera and Sam – and in his own way, Tai; he seemed to encourage her to be more positive – prodded her on, it became stronger. By the time she finished with Keith’s little black kitten hiding in his hood, even I was grinning at the memories. I couldn’t believe how many cheerful stories we could actually come up with. I didn’t remember ever celebrating Thanksgiving, but that’s what my mind associated it with: a day for feasting and family, calling up old memories and making new ones. Tai’s presence seemed to make everything fit just right – as if he embodied the next generation, to whom we were steadily passing on everything we knew and loved. For his part, he seemed absolutely enthralled (if maybe just a little overwhelmed) with our stories, especially Dean’s since his were told the most dramatically.

 

At one point I leaned over to murmur in Rae’s ear, “I wouldn’t be surprised if when Tai starts talking, he calls Dean ‘Uncle Dean’.”

 

She laughed a little. I thought she seemed strangely uncomfortable with the idea, but maybe it was just my imagination – at any rate I soon forgot. As the sun set, we realized we needed to work out sleeping arrangements. Tera apologized and explained that she and Dean had gutted all the building that the raiders hadn’t, except for the one I’d been staying in. I immediately offered it to Rae and Tai, since I already knew I’d be spending the night near Jonathan. Any objections she might have had were soon quashed, as Tera volunteered to join them and use the second, smaller room of ‘my’ hut, leaving Dean, Sam and I with the Rec Room. I figured she was orchestrating it so Dean and Sam would have to spend some time together, and when she caught my eye and winked on the way out the door, it erased any doubts I might have had. Rae and I bid each other good night, Dean made to ruffle Tai’s hair – good-naturedly teasing him because he had none – and then the ‘brothers’ and I were as good as alone.

 

Dean yawned and nonchalantly said he was going to go check the perimeter once more before turning in. Giving Sam a discreet, reassuring nod, I offered to go with him, and stopped his protests with a stubborn look.

 

As we paced the outside of the wall with shotgun and pistol in hand, I left him alone until we rounded the third corner, then conversationally said, “So what’s with you and Sam?”

 

He stopped abruptly and crossed his arms. Glaring at me, he said, “Nothing. The kid’s delusional.”

 

“He seems pretty sure to me. And Rae said she saw a picture of the two of you together.”

 

He scowled. “She … mis-saw or something. How do I know?”

 

“Dean,” I sighed, “come on. Look, I know already that you haven’t always told me the truth. Do it this time, okay?”

 

“Jamie –” He bit it off and struggled to find something to say. “I don’t – I’m telling you honest-to-god truth, I don’t know him,” he pleaded. “I can’t deny we look kind of similar, but … I don’t know what to tell you, okay? I’ve never seen him before.”

 

I regarded him uncertainly, chewing on my lip. It was starting to get a little sore.

 

“So his brother got killed or something, and I look like him, and maybe his brain’s a little messed up – I mean whose isn’t nowadays, right? – and he thinks I’m him,” Dean tried.

 

“But that you have the same name?” I pointed out.

 

“Maybe … Maybe Dean wasn’t his brother’s name? He just kind of accepted it, because it’s mine?”

 

My lip bled a little bit. He seemed sincere – just as sincere as Sam did. And Sam didn’t seem near as unstable as Dean’s theory required him to be. Well, maybe they never did. I mean, I felt pretty normal, after all. Still, even as honest as Dean looked, I knew he could lie straight-faced despite his simple, sweet external façade, and I had no such reason to doubt Sam. Not yet, anyway – I would be keeping a close eye on him, no matter how much my gut told me he, unlike most people, was just how he seemed.

 

“Look,” I relented finally, “maybe he’s a little crazy, maybe he’s not – maybe you’re lying, maybe you’re not.” He flinched as if I’d slapped him, but I kept going. “Either way, at least be civil to him, would you? This is the best we’ve had it in a while. Let’s not bring it down.”

 

Dean sighed. “I’ll try. I don’t want to encourage him, but … if it’s what you want.”

 

“It is,” I said firmly. “Now let’s finish this patrol so we can go to bed.”

 

I pulled Jonathan’s coat around me tighter and kept walking. After a second, Dean followed. He caught up just as I was about to go back in the Park’s gate, his hand landing on my shoulder and pulling me around.

 

“Hey, if you need a jacket –”

 

“I like this one.”

 

“It doesn’t look very warm.”

 

I flipped the collar up, bringing that feral cat smell closer. “Dean,” I said, bluntly and tiredly, “don’t give me any sh*t about this. It’s Jonathan’s jacket, and until he needs it back, I’m wearing it. It’s just a coat. It’s not like he’s really any competition for you now,” I finished in a mutter, and walked away. Behind me, he cursed quietly, but made no move to pull me back again.

 

In the Rec Room, Sam had already gone to bed. He’d probably figured it would just be easier that way, and he was probably right. He’d taken the bed I assumed had been Tera’s, the one furthest away from Jonathan, and I couldn’t really blame him for that either, considering he’d heard those crashes just as loudly as I had. Still, I unlaced my boots and slid them under the bed nearest Jonathan, then padded silently over to his bed. Rolling my shoulders under the weight of the jacket again, I leaned down and gently kissed his cheek, afraid he’d wake up but unable to stop myself from showing some gesture to prove I wouldn’t forget about him. Dean came in as I was going back to my own bed, and he gave me his patented betrayed look while I yanked back the covers and crawled under, but I refused to acknowledge him except to repeat my warning in a murmur. Sulking, he propped his rifle up in a corner and blew out the candles – the fire in the fireplace having already been put out – and went to bed himself.

 

I lay awake for the longest time. It would take me some time to get used to sleeping in the Park again, with its nautical sounds outside, and there was also Sam’s breathing to get accustomed to. Jonathan’s was a little different – shallower, wheezier – and like me, Dean tossed and turned noisily for quite a while before finally falling asleep. Even after he did, I was awake for another good hour at least. I felt as if I was waiting, but whether it was for some zombie attack or daylight or a scream to pierce the silence, I didn’t know.

-- Edited by Jess on Tuesday 8th of September 2009 06:45:48 AM

I took refuge on the roof where we’d first seen Rae and company coming towards the Park. It was the only place I could think of where I would have some degree of privacy and still be able to see anyone coming for me. If I’d thought about it a little harder, I’d’ve noticed that there was also no way I could get away short of jumping, but I wasn’t really into thinking just then. I was too busy seeing realization dawning in Jonathan’s eyes just before Dean choked him out. A second longer – just one second – and I was almost positive he would’ve snapped out of it. But it seemed history had a tendency to repeat itself, and again, Dean had had to throw himself into the equation whether I wanted him to or not.

 

I paced rapidly around the edge of the building, arms crossed. Well, this time I wasn’t so excited to see him. This time there was no ecstatic greeting – we moved straight into the arguing phase, which even he realized we pretty well stayed in.

 

He thought he was doing what’s best for you, consoled a voice. Don’t hold it against him.

 

He needs to learn that I can take care of myself, snarled another.

 

How will he know unless you show him?

 

Haven’t I? I barked.

 

What you need to do, lectured a third, is face the fact that you may be physically stronger, but he actually has experience and knows what he’s doing, and maybe sometimes he does know better than you. Stop being so self-centered. You are not the be-all end-all impervious slayer who knows everything about everything.

 

Neither’s he, I argued.

 

Which he knows, it countered. He doesn’t hesitate to admit when he’s wrong and someone else’s right.

 

Except when it comes to Jonathan.

 

Well, maybe, it allowed doubtfully.

 

No, no, no, raged yet another voice. Weren’t you listening? Didn’t Tera tell you Jonathan admitted to using you? Why would she lie? Dean’s completely right about him – and he should be protecting you from the psychopath: obviously, you’re blind to him.

 

Tera would lie because she’s on Dean’s side, I objected. For some reason. He won her over while I was unconscious and Jonathan was with me – he wins everyone over with that damn sweet, innocent country boy façade he’s got going on. And he’s not right about Jonathan, he doesn’t even know Jonathan, no one does. Not like I do.

 

“Oh my god,”gloated a voice I had been hoping I’d heard the last of. The Rae specter my mind had created in her absence. “Do you even realize how much you sound like me? ‘Oh, no, he’s just misunderstood. He’s not insane, he’s not dangerous’ – he’s just a fluffy little white bunny rabbit, right?” she spat. “See where that got me – and where it’s got David in the end?”

 

I dropped to my knees on the edge of the building, hands cradling my head as if I could squeeze the voices out. I was going genuinely crazy, I knew it – a belief reinforced when I heard her voice again and turned to see her standing behind me, smirking and wearing the bloody sweater she’d had when Taijitsu had been born. She laughed at my predicament.

 

“What’re you going to do, jump? Go on, then – you know you’ll survive it, maybe break a leg but that’s it. Maybe it’ll make you feel better.” She sauntered over to crouch next to me. “More likely it’ll just end with you tied to a bed just like your little misunderstood friend – and won’t that be sweet?” she crooned. “You’ll be cellmates again.”

 

“Shut up,” I muttered, closing my eyes and turning away. I felt my body sway towards the edge, towards the seeming abyss that waited there. I repeated in my head that I was alone, that she wasn’t real, but I could feel her breath on my ear when she spoke again.

 

“You shouldn’t forget that, you know. You’re trying to, but you shouldn’t,” she whispered. “He was in prison too – like David – and when you think about everything you’ve seen him do, it doesn’t seem too unlikely that he lied and he’s a murderer too – just like David. Oh, I know, I know; after that little holier-than-thou speech you gave me, there’s no way you want to admit it. But it’s true,” she sang. “You’re doing your best to be in my exact same position. You’ve got your David in Jonathan, and no matter what he does you’ll defend him to the bitter end.”

 

“He – he’s nothing like –”

 

“And then there’s Dean.” The shadow sounded almost sad. “You said it … history repeats itself. Mine died. What do you think’s going to happen to yours? He can’t die in the literal sense, but he’ll certainly be dead to you.”

 

I looked up, alarmed, giving up on trying to wish her away. “What are you saying?” I demanded in a whisper.

 

She smiled cruelly. “What do you think? You’re a smart girl – and I’ve told you this already. You can’t have both of them …”

 

“And you can’t –” I started to hiss, but she disappeared suddenly. Someone was on the fire escape; I heard it creak as they shifted their weight. Mortified that I’d been heard arguing with thin air, I froze momentarily. Dean? Tera? Recovering the use of my legs, I crept over silently to see, not yet knowing what I would do when I got there.

 

The fire escape was empty. A small group – Dean, Rae (Tai in tow), and Tera from the looks of it – was gathered in front of the Rec Room far below. Any of them could have run down the fire escape and joined the others while I was frozen. I swallowed. Or – or maybe I’d just imagined it. I had proven my ability to imagine up things that weren’t real, give them visible form and sound and even feel, with this newest incarnation of shadow Rae. Maybe that was too much to hope for, but for now, I was clinging to it.

 

I retreated from the edge and curled up in the rough center of the roof, various things in the depths of Jonathan’s coat poking into my side. I ignored them. No voices assailed my ears or my mind, and I was grateful for the relative peace, but there were still images. Primarily Jonathan. Most painful were the … the children I’d foolishly imagined we might have. Watching Rae and Tai had only made that persistent desire more profound, and apparently since I now couldn’t have Jonathan, I wanted him more.

 

I squeezed my eyes shut, but nothing went away.

 

* * * * *

 

A mixture of shame, pride, and lingering anger kept me stranded up there until nightfall. Once or twice I heard someone come up the fire escape, but I studiously ignored them both times and eventually they left without saying anything. My back was turned to the stairs, but I thought perhaps it was Rae or Sam – Dean and Tera would have almost definitely had to come harangue me for my behavior. It could have been little Tai, but I wasn’t sure his mother would have let him come near me. Quite possibly, I reminded myself bitterly, she saw me as too volatile and unpredictable to be trusted alone with her baby. Ironic, considering that previously I was the only one who trusted ‘her baby’ at all. I supposed it was different now that he looked like the child he was.

 

Hunger came and went as the sun pulled to a seeming stop directly overhead. I listened to the others moving around down below, smelled their lunch cooking. I wondered if they thought I’d be lured down by the scent, and that only made my resolve stronger. I knew I couldn’t stay up there forever, I suppose, but logic wasn’t at the forefront of my mind. I was sulking, and I was aware of how immature it was, but it seemed to me I deserved being immature every now and then. Hadn’t I fought off hordes of zombies and survived out in the world by myself, hadn’t I saved numerous lives, hadn’t I endured unspeakable tragedies, hadn’t I been the one to speak with Tai before he was Tai? And just how old was I again – eighteen or nineteen at the oldest? (One voice commented on how sad it was that I didn’t even know how old I was.) I was allowed to sulk. I was entitled to sulking.

 

If they couldn’t accept that, screw them.

 

The sun hung straight above me for what seemed like hours, then suddenly dropped to the horizon. Shivering, I pulled Jonathan’s coat around me tighter, feeling for the buttons with numb fingers. Since it didn’t fit me quite right, it was drafty at best. Dean was right; it really wasn’t very warm. Not on me, anyway. Why did he have to be right all the goddamn time? I scowled to myself, digging for the black gloves and tugging them onto my hands. They, at least, fit well.

 

Sitting up now, with my legs crossed, I looked out over the river. Though it moved sluggishly, it cut a clear path through the forest in both directions. Following it, I reflected, I would never be lost. I would always have a road ahead and a road behind. Any time I wanted to turn back, I –

 

“No,” I hissed aloud. “No.” I wasn’t running. I wasn’t even going to think about running. Here, I had everything I wanted – everything I could ever hope to have. Shelter, food, friends. The latter might feel questionable at times, but at least I knew more or less where I stood with these people. Running off to find some other group to insinuate myself with would be troublesome, really too much hassle than I wanted to put up with.

 

There’s always going it alone again.

 

“No,” I told myself again, more forcefully. That was out of the question. I still remembered – distantly, as if it was someone else – those months of living from one pack of victims to the next. I lived with it by telling myself I’d had no choice, that my real consciousness had been swallowed by the hunter, who had no qualms about killing humans in order to survive. It wasn’t human; it had no morals, no regrets, no compassion. I did – I wasn’t the monster. I had to make that distinction or I’d go crazy with guilt. And I wasn’t sure that if I didn’t have someone with me to remind me of that distinction, I might not just let the hunter take over again. That thought terrified me.

 

Sighing, I stretched my arms out over my head and stood up to pace. Moving would warm me up some. The childishness of remaining on the roof all day was starting to sink in, but my vanity and pride wouldn’t even begin to allow me to go back down with my tail between my legs. I was still convinced, for better or for worse, that I was right and Dean was wrong, and by God I wanted him to come admit it. Problem was, I suspected he felt the same way. We were at a bit of a stalemate – and in his unconcerned, c0cky way I was sure he expected me to cave first. Well, I was the one stranded on the top of a cold building in the elements. Common sense told me that my health was more important than the state of my pride, but with the chilly air stinging my hot face, it felt like I had the advantage.

 

How? I happened to know that he cared more about my health than I did, quite likely more than he did his own. He quite simply wouldn’t let me stay up there dangerously long, and unless he was far more stubborn than I gave him credit for, if an apology was what it took to get me down, I would have my apology, grudging though it might be. I would literally be blackmailing him with myself, and that seemed immoral, not to mention kind of risky, but just then it also seemed like my pride’s only way out.

 

Satisfied with this, I stepped up to the edge of the building to survey the Park. They’d done some work over the course of the day – the one section of the wall that had been severely damaged was now patched, probably with the wood we’d pulled out of what was now Tera’s house. It still wouldn’t stop any large force of zombies, but it would slow them down. I felt a little guilty for not being there to help them, but in truth I’d never even heard them working. I must’ve fallen asleep at some point without realizing it.

 

A bit restless, I paced over to the other side of the building to look out over the river. I wondered if the inhabitants of Mountainside had been the ones to raid the Park in our absence – and how many people they had in case we ever hade to duke it out with them. After all, they might have wiped out our food supply, but left quite a bit of sturdy wood, which could always be useful. They might come back at any time, and if there were more of them than our five able-bodied fighters … Maybe even if that does happen, by then we’ll be six.

 

I sighed and sat back down. It could’ve just been the coat, but I felt physically heavier when I thought of Jonathan, and my attempt at optimism didn’t make it any lighter. Shoving my gloved hands back down in the pockets and hunching my shoulders up in an attempt to wring more warmth out of the thing, I thought suddenly of something he had said while we were on the road: Rest assured, my head doesn’t make for good company. I found myself chewing on my lip again. I supposed that was all he had now; maybe that was even what was wrong with him. It could be that we weren’t so different – set us apart from other humans and we become something slightly different from a human. My change might be a bit more drastic, but still, all it took was a little exposure to people again, and …

 

Cursing under my breath, I shoved to my feet again and went over to watch the Rec Room. Given some time alone with Jonathan, I thought, I could bring him back. Whatever that dark manifestation of Rae wanted to smirk about, I was the one who knew him best, really the only one who knew him at all. And maybe that was partially his own fault for being so antisocial, but it didn’t seem to me they’d ever given him a chance. Unfortunately, I was alone on top of a building and he was down there in the Rec Room, surrounded but being overlooked by a small crowd of people who would probably prefer it if he just died and got it over with – and on the top of that list was Dean. That was no secret, and I couldn’t see how the others could pretend to be fair and yet allow someone who hated Jonathan to take care of him.

 

You’re the one up here sulking instead of down there doing some good.

 

My pride struggled to come up with some good reply to that. Down below, a small figure – Tera – came out of the Rec Room and headed towards her house. She glanced up in my direction, but I doubted she could see me in the dark, and she went on after very little hesitation. That left Rae, Tai, Dean and Sam in the Rec Room – and much as I wished I could just wait for them all to clear out, I knew the guys would be sleeping there, so that wasn’t an option. Resentfully, I backed slowly to the fire escape and tripped down it quietly, the dirt feeling strange under my boots after so much time on the hard cement roof. Forcing myself onwards, I paused again at the Rec Room door. I couldn’t help but be reminded of another doorway I’d hesitated in, but Jonathan had been behind me then.

 

“If you’re going to do it,” he’d whispered, “do it.”

 

What a strange person to be getting encouragement from, I thought. But if I closed my eyes and pretended he was with me, it was much easier to swallow my pride and push open the door.

 At some point during our journey I’d made mention of the fact that in the early days The Park had been equipped with an old two-way radio that one of the original inhabitants, Wesker, had used to make contact with the outside world. While it was feasible Sam with his roll of utility tools and youthful determination might just be able to fix it if it was still even there, part of me was scared that the guys left at the clinic would pick up his transmission and fill him in on all the sordid details I’d purposefully omitted. Though it hurt to regard him in such light, I still had to assume he was some kind of threat to me, no matter how sweet and innocent he was working damn hard to make himself out to be. Few men in my life, let alone in my recent past, had been anything but brutal to me, and the rare one or two that weren’t never lasted long anyway – No, it was better for everyone concerned if I kept a measured distance; the last thing I needed now was one more distraction to come in and take over, severing this new bond that was forming between me and my ‘son’. I toyed with the idea guiltily of sabotaging his efforts somehow in contacting Amy or Keith or Corey, deciding if it came down to the wire I’d purposefully send him on a wild goose chase in the wrong direction away from the Clinic so no one, least of all Sam himself, would ever come to know the truth about any of us. I knew in his own little corner of hell David was laughing at me, no doubt disgusted by my sudden change in persona - he should hardly have been surprised, after all he had encouraged it - but I couldn’t risk a chance meeting that would see this new guy turn on me, or Tai, or god forbid, anyone else. I simply didn’t know him well enough yet to trust him – and part of me was happier keeping it that way. As I trudged along I held fast to Tai’s little hand trying not to think about any of them, haunted by Amy’s sweetly smiling face and her sad eyes, of Keith’s deep tenor that always exuded calm, of Corey’s bighting sarcasm and refreshing honesty, and the Doc and his wards. I wanted to share memories of them if only in essence to keep them alive in some form or another, even if I didn’t really know if they were still alive – or if given the opportunity, I even wanted to see them ever again. Instead, all I could do was walk on and keep to myself and let my silence speak for me.

“Where are we? We must be getting close?” Sam asked eventually.

We had stopped at a small clearing to rest a moment and allow us to get our bearings. Backing up to a fallen tree he sat himself down and stole a sip from one of the several canteens of water in his backpack. Seeing this Tai drew away to perch himself atop the log right along side Sam and sit with his hands clasped and his head c0cked curiously to the side. As always his expression was one of simple wonder. Sam could only chuckle at this kind of attention and after a few more thirsty mouthfuls offer the young boy his bottle. I had to turn away.

Traitor, I thought, unfairly.

Before long, on the next leg of our journey, I was faintly aware of the taste of moisture in the air. Whether following suit or genuinely sensitive I was certain I soon heard water running too. We had to be getting close I assumed, but there was no way of knowing how far down stream the camp had been or even if I’d found myself at the right river. There were no guidelines in the places we had thus far traversed, no signposts, and no billboards. For all intents and purposes we could have been in a completely different state and not even known it; Keith’s map now crumpled and well worn offered little by way of any answers. Had it not been for Sam’s presence I might well have thrown the map in the water, cast my hopes of a fresh start in along with it, and wander off in no discernable direction and take my chances with the elements. Trinity had said that there was nothing left… but how could she really know, I wondered. Internalizing a sigh I waded to the water’s edge and looked upstream. I looked down. The tinkling of running water was cathartic for my soul. Closing my eyes I breathed in deeply. I held my breath, waiting. Pushing it out I opened my eyes again and looked around. No matter which way I turned my focus continually kept going back to Tai as he silently befriended the tall stranger.

-Why couldn’t it have been like this with David?

An awkward pout crept out as I struggled not to notice, struggled with my conscience, with my sanity, keeping all thoughts beyond this moment right now all out. Though it took a degree of effort I wasn’t used to, and was enough to burden me with a constant nagging headache, I was happy if nothing else that I could stop myself feeling anything else if I really concentrated hard enough. At least David’s passing had been beneficial in more than one way – without having him there to guide me, to lean on, to vent at or just be there in whatever fashion in order to cope, now all I had left was myself, and I knew I had to harden up quick smart not for my sake but for Tai’s – I was all he had left in the world-

And he’s yours. You’re a caregiver to a monster. He’s still one of those things behind that skin and you’ve already seen how well people cope with things that aren’t quite ‘normal’, my brain warned me. I nodded as if a voice had whispered it into my ear. I know. But that won’t happen to him, I vowed. Trinity relished her saviour status, Tai was just a little boy, he wasn’t a soldier like the rest of them. He wasn’t like-

-What Lucas? Amelia? The Doc? Tri-

Shrugging my pack uncomfortably I walked away from the water’s edge to meet them waiting nearby just off shore. Sam’s gaze had softened a little, still wearing the residual expression of a grin on his face. Tai was giggling as he found some form of amusement in Sam’s choice of seating in the low fork of an underdeveloped tree; at least I hoped he was giggling, though it took me by surprise to actually hear it. With those big black eyes he turned his head up at me and smiled. It didn’t appear to be a reflexive gesture that he’d picked up mirroring us in conversation, no, he actually seemed happy-

-Can monsters feel anything?

Clearing my throat I reached down and slid an arm around Tai’s shoulders. Even beneath the layer of material I was still acutely aware of the cool kiss of his skin. I held fast overcoming that reflexive reaction to pull away. I smiled as always to mask it.

“Ready?” I asked them.

Tai nodded. Sam agreed. He chuckled as Tai grabbed him by a hand to try and pull him to his feet.

(-cold grey claws wrapped around my arm and waist… screaming… gunfire… the moan of the dead pouring through the breech in the surgery wall… ‘shoot it! Shoot it!’-)

(-“That’s a boy and his mum… Can you say ‘mum’? Yeah, that’s it. Mum-”)

(-“What the hell are you doing?”)

“Aw, thanks little buddy,” Sam beamed. It was with forced exaggeration the way all adults do when speaking down to anyone significantly younger than them. Tai made that sound again and pretended to swipe at Sam’s arm as Sam ruffling the cap on Tai’s head.

Cute, I pouted. I continued to smile watching Sam shoulder his pack with his back turned before the gesture suddenly slipped away. Taking hold of Tai’s hand I set my jaw determinedly and strode past, once more taking the lead. Though he was probably unaware of it, and even I struggled to validate such theories in my own head, I knew on some level it was more than a symbolic gesture. For a while longer we continued walking with Tai’s cool fingers locked constantly around mine. It wasn’t until much later that I finally heard what sounded to be boats creaking on the water that a strange sense of familiarity returned and dissolved the fire quietly smouldering in my stomach. Though I didn’t want to get my hopes up, my head that had been strangely vacant for the most part, suddenly spun with a billion and one thoughts, of plans, of ideas, of impressions that flooded renewed energy and vigour into spent muscles; After so many months, after so much chaos and loss, I was finally finally back to where it had all pretty much started. In a very real sense I did feel like I was coming home – it didn’t even enter my head what state it was in at that point, just that against all odds, against even my own doubts and fears, it was still here and I’d made it – and I’d accomplished much of it (at least the last leg of it at least) for the most part on my own.

-- Edited by Ravynlee on Thursday 17th of September 2009 11:14:23 AM

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                Trinity’s tale of what had happened since leaving the clinic, and upon finding Tera and another whose name escaped me, had us enthralled as we entered the Rec Room soon after. For some strange reason as I stood taking it all in I couldn’t help but feel… alien in arguably familiar surroundings. In my mind I saw the tables and chairs laid out as they had been, and the reality of seeing them in any other fashion further exaggerated this growing sense of unease. In part I guess I’d been expecting to walk in and find it exactly the way I long remembered it in my thoughts, the old card table, the silent jukebox, the stench of watered down slop bubbling away in a pot in the back room, even the people, Jill, Wesker, Mark, Nick, and even David, though I well knew that it was all virtually impossible considering almost all of them were dead now rather than just absent. So much had changed. So much had-…

Holding Tai to me tightly I made my way in, physically relieved if nothing else to finally relinquish the weight of my pack from my back and shoulders as I set it down next to Sam’s. Together we stockpiled our resources as my eyes slowly wandered around the room – and froze.

Jonathan.

I couldn’t believe he was still… alive (what, when David isn’t? How is that fair?). The previous noise that had lured us in had silenced, leaving a tainted chill of anticipation that seemed to exude from the darkest furthermost corner of the room. Dropping my eyes I smiled ruefully, instead watching Trinity gravitate silently towards him.

-Obviously things hadn’t changed that much, a voice taunted.

No. But it no longer mattered. Whether it was due to his state, lying against his will lashed to a bed with a waxen glaze about his face, or the fact he’d endured as much as I had (or so Trinity and Tera had informed me giving up the lion’s share of his food to his own detriment), my old once-familiar venom for the mad-man of the sewers didn’t last very long now. It couldn’t. It wasn’t my place to cast judgement anymore. It never really had been. I watched her standing by the dresser stroking his coat draped atop it (the one that made him look like a televangelist from Hell), keeping emotional vigil at his bedside with a sad, strange look dragging down her face. Then, reluctantly, she slid the coat on. She wore it (not all dissimilar to Sam I noticed), like a child playing dress ups. The garment sat awkwardly on her small frame. The look on her face, as she idly stroked the coat pockets and kept a sad watch over him was altogether too pained and too old to be put-on. I looked back to Tai briefly, watching him interact with Dean in the exact same way he had with Sam, listening to some story with his eyes wide and a beaming smile permanently carved into his face. I echoed it and slowly, sadly I drew away. It seemed on impulse as I crossed the room, my hands wrestling in front of me nervously. I walked up to Jonathan’s bedside. His face, that I had once regarded as being somehow more ominous in my memories, now appeared slack and vacant, a mere shadow of his former sinister self. I watched Trinity struggle to roll the cuffs of the too-long sleeves up before I drew her attention by uttering her name.

“Oh. Hey,” she responded.

My smile grew bashful. Taking a sleeve in hand I rolled it back, doing my best to ignore the internal voices that were aghast at the notion the all-powerful Trinity couldn’t take on such a menial (human) chore by herself when taking on a room full of zombies singlehandedly was of no apparent consequence.

“Were you … talking to him?”

“Yeah. Kinda.”

I snorted knowingly. It seemed uncanny that she sounded just like a teenager with that, like a child struggling to open up to her parent, finally adopting the guise that she actually appeared rather than some kind of anime character come to life.

“Trinity,” I eventually said. I wasn’t quite sure how best to answer her, hoping something profound or prolific would seemingly just flow out without prompting. When nothing happened I licked my lips in apprehension. My smile died off in a plenitude of tears, both shed and unshed alike. Memories dogged me and I wore them with a low, unmistakable tenor tainting my voice. “I know you must miss him, but … you know, at least he’s still here… At least he still has a chance.”

When I glimpsed up the look she gave back was open and unexpected. I tried to mimic it but felt it sit like lead on my face. After the chore was done I merely gave her hand a squeeze, bowed my head, and walked away. There was nothing more that could be said after that, I knew, and by her acquiescent silence apparently Trinity did too.

I returned to the table, half-heartedly tuning in to the story Dean was still in the process of telling his captive audience of one. His grandiose gestures, which almost bordered on theatrical, brought a smile to my face that only grew as Tai grabbed my hand. To my shock he started tugging on it excitedly.

“Mom!” I heard him cry. I balked at the new and definitively elongated enunciation that echoed with a subtle southern twang. “Car! H-he… r-run! Bang! Bang! Mmon-ter… t-… ff-all… d-dun… de-ed.”

Unnervingly I nodded, draping an arm around his little shoulders. They still seemed too small and too cool despite the modest fire crackling away in its hearth nearby. Dean’s chuckle and subsequent grin brought a sudden heat to my face that forced my eyes down towards the floor. In my memories I’d relived that kiss a billion times, but faced with the reality of seeing him again after convincing myself he was forever gone had stripped the lustre from it, leaving it raw and exposed like a freshly hewn wound. But Tai’s excitement, his joy at revelling in another’s presence instead of merely reflecting it, had me smiling back with my eyes watering. Together we stood, with my arms crossed around Tai’s shoulders, listening to Dean embellish his heroic deeds with a shared sense of joy and relief. After everything we’d endured, after everything we’d survived, it seemed as though things were finally starting to turn around, at least for the two of us.

*

Over a hearty meal we sat around talking like a family reunited. It was a strange analogy, watching the two grown (conscious) men in the room propagate a feeling of tension that undercut the otherwise jovial atmosphere. Several times Tera did her best to draw Sam into conversation but Dean, in what fast became a painfully clear display of dominance, continually blocked the other man from getting so much as a word in edgeways. In spite of my current defensiveness I couldn’t help but feel sorry for Sam. He stuck out amidst us like a sore thumb not just in looming height but by the melancholia that soon took hold of his face. As I sat watching him push his food around his plate unenthusiastically I found myself taken aback by Dean’s attitude. Dean sat chewing too brusquely on his food, speaking too loud, even his eyes were wildly determined – it struck me as more than odd to see Dean behaving this way. For a brief few moments a cold grip took hold of my lungs and gave them a firm squeeze as, in front of my eyes, Dean evaporated and a sinister looking David materialised ominously in his place.

Remind you of anyone? A low familiar baritone laugh echoed gutturally in my ears.

I turned away. When I looked back again he was gone. Dean, at the head of the cramped little table, was begrudgingly withdrawing his offensive. He dusted his hands of crumbs, the look on his face reticent even though at least to his mind the proverbial battle had been won.

 

Outside I heard the low drone of conversation. Though there were no windows or breeches in the wall in this section of the hall I strained to focus trying to discern where Tai had gotten to. Half way through berating myself for leaving him ‘alone’ with his new best friends I threw down the wet cloth and picked up another that too was damp to try and blot my hands on. Behind us footsteps heralded Sam’s presence in the room and Tai was not with him. The tension rose sharply, at least in Dean’s immediate presence. Taking it as my cue to leave I started from the room and was stopped before I’d even completely turned towards the exit. I heard movement before I saw anything shift out of the corner of my eye. On some impulse my belief it was Sam approaching lulled me into some false sense of security but the reality was too shocking to fathom in that instant. Jonathan was somehow free of his bonds and had charged towards us with his hands out-

-Like a zombie?!

-No like… god, like he was dancing.

-Okay, that’s not weird at all.

-This is Jonathan – what the hell did you-

Before I could even get a handle of my thoughts a pressure on my arm snatched and propelled me in one deft movement straight towards the front door. In the ensuing noise and chaos I found myself standing alone outside the Rec Room squeezing the wet rag still between my fists. Trinity rushed upon me dragging Tai alongside. Though she demanded to know what had happened I was still too stunned to answer her. Fearlessly she darted in as Tai sauntered up and stood cowering just behind me.

Inside the scuffle continued as Dean and Jonathan presumably had it out. Wallowing in sickness I stood listening and trying not to, unable to look in, my only thoughts was to keep Tai out here away from them.

Isn’t it strange? Look at him, an internal voice directed. He may be shivering but that’s not fear in his eyes and you know it.

With a decisive huff I reached down, cuddling him against my legs, overwhelmed when he looked up at me with an innocent (human) guise. Soon Sam appeared and Tai’s expression shifted; he was smiling on impulse at seeing his new friend but it dropped away with uncertainty as Sam stood shaken and not wholeheartedly smiling back.

-Welcome to humanity, kid. We’re just as f*cked up as you are, maybe even more so.

-Stop it!

-Whatever. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

When things eventually fell silent Sam decided to take a peek in and curiously I followed suit. Dean stood at a once-more unconscious Jonathan’s bedside, refastening the restraints with a little more force than was probably necessary-

-The man’s a psycho and you’re worried about those cords cutting off his circulation? Either he loses a few fingers or someone else loses their life! What would you prefer?

-“We’re all f*cking mental patients,” David echoed dryly inside my head.

I fell silent. I had no defense for that admission. After all, for all the trauma we’d each endured just to last as long as we had, he was quite possibly right on the money.

Inside the hall Dean and Trinity were arguing. It was apparent they were oblivious to our presence, or if they weren’t, their anger was so rife they didn’t bother trying to hide it from anyone.

“That wasn’t necessary!”

“Yeah, I could see that.”

“Then why did you interrupt?”

“Why is it every time we fight now, it’s because of him?”

That last statement hit me unconsciously as I watched Trinity scowling at her companion in a way that reminded me of myself. The guilt, the remorse, the sh!t I’d been burdened with trying to satiate the egos of two stubborn men; it was David and I arguing all over again. But perhaps worse was the look on Dean’s face, looking helpless and frustrated as he approached Trinity only to have her back away.

“Maybe you should figure that out for yourself,” she snapped shouldering her way past out of the Rec Room.

We watched her storm off in the direction of the tall two story building she had climbed down from just yesterday to meet us. I scoffed at the irony, a little disgusted and equally sympathetic by her behavior, but couldn’t will myself to follow – I figured after all she probably just needed some time alone to think.

Afterwards I returned to the hut Tai and Tera and I had slept in the previous night and went about repacking my things. Tai, now wary of the apparent tension, or perhaps fearful of the prospect I was packing us up to leave so soon after arriving, stood nearby watching the whole time saying nothing. His little face, still so gaunt and pale was slack and downcast. Though I knew he could understand me, though I was still reeling in some essence from what I’d heard him speak the night before relaying Dean’s story, I didn’t know if I was ready to hear him speak comprehensively. He was my ever present and silently brooding shadow and in that vulnerable state I knew he needed me-

But with the speed he’s picking things up it won’t be long before he doesn’t need you, logic countered. And then what? A cool chill accompanied it as I paused to look up into the little child’s eyes.

-He knows you. He knows you better than you know yourself. Kid yourself all you want, the moment he’s taken everything that he can from you he’ll get rid of you like the abomination he is – didn’t you ever stop to think why the kids in the Doc’s clinic were all happy ‘motherless’?

“Hey,” I smiled, reaching out to take hold of his little (icy) hand.

-Look at those fingers, so long, so like his father’s-

(-movement… the stench of rotting breath… the rattling growl in his throat… the growl, so long, so bestial, growing loud. And the hard iciness of his skin feeling like cement behind me… a snarl, a cry, and he was lunging grey-faced, glazed eyes, open-mouthed towards me-)

Smiling pitifully I cupped Tai’s cheek and stroked the front of his shirt.

-No he’s nothing like Rob, Rob’s dead, Tai’s-

“Why don’t you… go see what Sam’s doing okay? I won’t be long here,” I urged. “Go on. I’ll be right behind you. Promise.”

Though Tai’s expression didn’t shift one iota he merely walked away from me to do as he was bidden, his dark eyes peering back eventually shut out by the gently closing door. In the hut alone now I breathed a sigh of relief, shuddering at the force of the emotions and memories and thoughts that hit me. Distractedly I began packing up the loose items that had fallen from our packs in the morning ‘rush’ and stopped to pick up a small tee shirt. Half way through folding it I stopped. With shaking hands I brought the shirt up and buried my face in it. Within moments a tentative sob became a jagged outpour. I knelt on the floor in front of my meager possessions bawling my eyes out. Though I struggled to keep it hidden I knew no one was around to hear it.

-A real child would have comforted you, he would have wrapped his arms around you, hugged you, told you that he loved you, not obeyed orders without argument like a loyal mongrel pup.

“No”, it’s not like that, “no…”

But my head was a mess, still ringing from the argument between Trinity and Dean in the Rec Room, from the disappointment of being here with familiar faces who just brought everything back, from the journey itself just to get to here; I bawled my eyes out until the valve had been tapped and the pressure had been vented – and at that point I sat back on the floor, curling my knees under me, and dragged the damp tee shirt across my eyes.

“I told you I loved you and you chose him over me,” a voice murmured behind me. I started to turn my head and froze – I didn’t want to see what was waiting there, haunted by too many ghostly apparitions, fearful one more would push me irreversibly over the edge. “I didn’t run away from you, you ran away from me. You and your little guard dog. I tried to warn you, Rae. But you wouldn’t listen. You never did. You think I’m the enemy. The enemy is you. Your empathy for the dead will be your undoing, you and everyone around you. You chose this path, just like that Doc wanted. And now… you deserve what you’re going to get…”

Huffing on breaths I flinched, unable to stop myself from turning around. I’d all but expected David to be crouched there barely inches from me, lurking in my shadow the way Rob had done before Tai’s unnatural ‘birth.’

Nothing.

He wasn’t there.

Of course he wasn’t there. I knew in part it was impossible – still, it hadn’t stopped me hoping. Like an afterthought I caught sight of a glimmer of silver dipping beneath my collar and followed it. The little 6-pointed Star of David brought a dull smile to my face as I twisted it between my fingers. I’d almost forgotten I’d been wearing it – now I looked at it like I feared having to take it off. I knew I had to let go, it was crazy after all, the basic premise of our relationship, as dysfunctional as it had been, had been the very epitome of crazy. I was happy to be rid of him and yet… It was hopeless. Reaching back behind my neck I pinched the clasp of the necklace between my fingers and stopped before drawing my hands away.

Keep it, I told myself. It’s not like he’s going to need it back. And you need it now more than he does. It wasn’t for God, for the love of humanity, for anything as noble or as esoteric as it had probably once meant to the man who’d previously owned it. No in some sadistic way I had to keep it as a reminder, so if nothing else I would never make those same mistakes, with losing power, with losing myself, with losing my heart to the wrong kind of man again. With a hint of life to my smile I slipped it back inside my shirt and lay a hand across it as though swearing a vow.

Who was I kidding? It was never going to happen with Dean anyway.

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-- Edited by Ravynlee on Thursday 17th of September 2009 10:55:38 AM

Rather than seek offence, as was surely Dean’s intention, Sam merely smirked back and snorted too with a degree of incredulousness. “Right. A joke. See I forgot that’s how you handle situations-”

“What situations? I don’t have situations! I don’t even have a sense of humour, ask anyone-”

“Why, Dean, huh? You have to make jokes just to make yourself feel better so long as they’re at someone else’s expense?”

“What? What the hell are you talking about?”

“What, don’t you have any humility left anymore?”

“Humility?” Dean paused. With a serious face he asked, “What is that, like finding Jesus or something?”

“See!” Sam exploded. “You just can’t help yourself can you? You never could-”

“Oh my god, who the hell do you think you are? Coming in here challenging me like this-”

“Challenging you? Since when have I ever challenged you? Since when does anyone ever challenge you, huh? There’s only two ways, remember, your way or not at all. You remember that Dean, huh? Cause I do. Don’t act like you don’t know. All my life you’ve been acting like-”

But Dean obviously having had enough of the verbal onslaught, smeared his face with the cloth again and pushed his chair back, making ready to stand.

“You know what, I am not going to sit here and listen to this-” he growled and crossly flung the towel away. But before he could follow through, before Sam’s defence still grating away in the background had a chance to get established, Tera pushed her chair out and quickly got to her feet, beating him.

“I’m not- I think I’ll go lay down,” she excused, “I’ll see you all in the morning.”

We watched her skirt the table and make her way towards the door before Dean’s belligerent cry rang out, “Now see what you’ve done?”

Whether it was the guilt of Tera’s departure or the way I sat consoling Tai, who sat still in his chair staring up at Dean numbly, Dean lingered behind his seat a moment before reluctantly he sunk back down into it. Sam sat defiant at the other end of the table glowering down at his folded arms. Though a tentative (guilty) truce had been established the damage had arguably already been done. For a few moments we sat in the brooding silence before Dean, mimicking the other man’s body language turned his head away and uttered under his breath.

“Bitch.”

“Jerk,” came Sam’s automatic response.

At that Dean’s mouth slowly fell open. His expression buckled. He turned to Sam as though a light switch had been flicked on inside his head. But in that moment, and those that immediately followed, Dean was once more on his feet and backing up as if the look on Sam’s face was somehow distressing him.

“No,” he uttered. “No.” A finger stabbed the air accusingly. He was back-first to the door before Sam had a chance to stop him. “This is bullsh!t! It’s bullsh!t!” Dean barked.

He turned his shoulder and fled. It was fast followed by a loud thud and something landing heavily into the dirt. For a moment Sam and I sat waiting, reluctantly questioning the other. The sounds that followed, like footsteps running away had us both rising from our chairs simultaneously. Closer to the door Sam was the first to reach it. He peered out. He gasped. Trinity lay on her back outside just outside the doorway. It appeared Dean had run into her and knocked her over. Though it was uncertain how long she’d been standing there listening, the only thing that really struck me was the fact that he hadn’t even bothered to help her up before escaping – so much for supposedly caring about her. Why did that not surprise me anymore?

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Okay so that's ashamedly all I have for now. Not much progression-wise but I did tell you I was going to write something from Rae's POV and it ended up snowballing. Apologies for that. Hopefully though I gave you one or two things to work with if you want with your next update. And hope in so doing I didn't ruin anything you may have already been working on/planned.

Good luck

-- Edited by Ravynlee on Thursday 17th of September 2009 11:04:36 AM

* * * * *

 

Tera and I sought refuge on opposite sides of her hut, with her staying by Sam and me hiding away in the darker portion of the building. For some time I merely stared off into space, finally succeeding in doing one thing I’d always found impossible – thinking about nothing. But eventually I grew restless. Unable to bear doing nothing, and asserting to myself that it wasn’t really nosiness but just something to do, I decided to investigate the monstrosity of a coat that I’d been wearing.

 

Small pockets ran almost uniformly from just below the collar to the waist – at least, they did on me; on Jonathan, of course, they would fall slightly differently – and none of them had any clasps or buttons. These were where he pocketed the two keys that had gotten us out of the Prison, and I found that, in one, he’d kept the armored truck’s key. Pack rat, I thought with a little amusement. Most of the little pockets were empty, or held things I couldn’t figure out why he’d carry along with him all the time: one held nothing more and nothing less than a couple pine needles, another a flat rock, and a third a small chunk of cement. A collection of seashells filled several pockets: conches, nautiluses, you name it.

 

The ones towards the top seemed to be where he kept the more obviously valuable objects – or at least the shinier ones like the key and some coins. Maybe to Jonathan’s mind shiny equaled valuable. When I reached into the pocket opposite the key, I was surprised and strangely delighted to find that he’d snitched something else from Paddy – the broad gold ring with its heavy dark stone. Trying to control a slightly wistful grin, I held the ring up to the light. It was far too big for my finger and probably too big for Jonathan’s as well. He had to have taken it for nothing but spite – well, that or he was simply a kleptomaniac. Write another one up in the Jonathan’s possible neuroses list if you must, but I preferred to think he’d done it just because he could. It was fair, in a twisted way, and that suited him just about perfectly.

 

After putting the ring back where I’d found it, I abandoned the rest of the tiny pockets and moved on to the larger ones on the sides. I knew there had to be something interesting in them; something had been jutting into me whenever I laid on my left side. On that side, I discovered seven long, thin pouches that ran vertically, and nestled in them as if they were sheaths were Jonathan’s knives. There was nothing, except for the snugness of the pouches, keeping the knives in place, and it disconcerted me slightly to realize just what had been poking me in my sleep, but there was also the sheath attached to the inside of the right sleeve, and that knife hadn’t bothered me. I ran my fingers over the knives’ hilts thoughtfully, remembering that in the Prison Jonathan had had my knife on him. It wasn’t there now. Letting my hand fall to my belt, I found it was back where it belonged. I shook my head and couldn’t keep from thinking, a little resentfully, Damn, he’s good. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know when he’d slipped it back to me.

 

Below the knives, right at my hipbone, there was the gun I’d also seen in the Prison, and alongside it a zippered pocket holding ammunition. Habitually, I pulled it out and checked the chamber: it wasn’t loaded. Hadn’t he said he never kept it loaded? Strange. I’d assumed that to be a lie. It didn’t do him much good with the bullets in a separate pocket. I put it back in its odd little holster (Jonathan must be pretty handy with a needle and thread, I reflected, to have engineered this damn coat) and turned my attention to the right side. Most of it was taken up by a large, open, multi-compartmented pouch, which was empty currently but showed signs of holding food in the past. I guessed that the different sections were to hold different kinds of food – fruit, dried meat, what have you – or that he’d simply been bored at some point and decided to make himself a few pointless sub-pockets.

 

Though there was plenty to nose through yet, with the rather heavily weighed-down bottom half of the coat still to go, I found that I didn’t especially want to look anymore. I had something else on my mind, and riffling through the multitude of pockets only made me think about it more.

 

I ventured out, leaving Tera asleep by Sam’s bedside. Neither Rae nor Dean was anywhere in plain sight, which didn’t mean much. Rae and Tai could have gone back to their house, and despite his promise, Dean might have run. I kind of wished he would – just run and not come back. More than that, I wished we didn’t need him so damn much – I didn’t need him so damn much. I was torn between the two desires. In the end I was just relived he wasn’t in the immediate area, and I didn’t have to see him. He would only make what I wanted to do harder.

 

I walked lightly through the Park, keeping my eyes peeled for him, until I reached the Rec Room. It was dark inside, but my eyes adjusted to the darkness (normally) enough for me to see that his bed was unoccupied. Thank God. I turned quickly to Jonathan’s bed and hesitated only once before hastily undoing the knots Dean had trussed him up with. His wrists were tinged red from the pressure, I noted, as Dean hadn’t bothered to use the shackles already in place this time. Maybe he figured they weren’t adequate anymore.

 

Well, f*ck what he figured, said one defiant voice. Once Jonathan’s back properly, it’s going to take a lot more than knotted bungee cords to keep him in place. I agreed with it, remembering how smoothly and gracefully he’d moved. Dean may have been able to put Sam down with ease, but if he got it into his head to try that with Jonathan …

 

Once he was free, I sat down carefully on the bed and shook his shoulder slightly, murmuring his name. He showed no outward signs of rousing. Swallowing down the festering idea that this was going to be fruitless, I jostled him a little more roughly. Come on now. Wake up, dammit. Finally he made some small sound, almost a whimper, in his sleep, and one limp hand drew into a loose fist. Biting my lip – it broke again, forming a little pool of blood in a crack – I slipped my hand into that fist. One of the sleeves Rae had cuffed for me had unrolled at some point, probably while I’d been fighting with Dean, and it nearly enveloped both our hands.

 

“Jonathan,” I whispered directly in his ear. My lip ached. “Come on, please …”

 

His hand twitched around mine before tightening definitively. I drew back, eagerly searching his face for some sign of life. Hey, this was easier than I thought. Way easier… His eyes opened, painfully it seemed, and didn’t quite focus on me.

 

“Jonathan?” I said doubtfully. I didn’t like that distant expression at all – however else he looked, Jonathan had always looked hyper-aware of his surroundings, even directly after he’d regained consciousness after Dean had attacked him in the sewers.

 

He released my hand to reach up to blood on my lip, but I caught him before he touched it. I knew what my blood was capable of, and I didn’t want him near it. I licked the little bit away and sucked on the wound for a moment, studying his face for one tiny implication that the man I knew wasn’t entirely gone, but the more I looked, the less I saw. I was biting my lip again, in the same spot, ignoring the pain; I had been banking so much on so little. That I’d be able to wake him, that he’d come back completely and immediately, that … what? That with him on his feet, the entire complication that Dean was now would just go away? God, he was only human, I was the … special one. And if any man I knew could be called a miracle worker it was Dean himself, not Jonathan. Jonathan could do nothing but look –

 

“Stop,” he said suddenly. I recognized his ‘good’ voice. “You’re hurting yourself.”

 

“Do you know me?”

 

He tilted his head slightly, looking sweetly confused. “That doesn’t matter. I still don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

 

The sob built up in my chest. It shoved up my throat, pushing all the air out of my lungs and crushing them flat. I quashed it just before it erupted out my mouth, and it came out as a halting sigh instead. He knows me, dammit, I cried. He knew me this morning, or he almost did. I swear to god if –

 

“If you’re playing with me,” I said quietly, holding the tears back with severity, “I swear to god I will wring your neck.”

 

His look of shock said it all.

 

“No,” I breathed hopelessly, sliding off the bed like I had liquefied. I pulled my knees up and cradled my forehead on them. “No,” I insisted again, “you don’t understand, this can’t happen, I can’t – can’t lose – you too …”

 

After a second Jonathan joined me on the dirty tile floor, almost clumsily, and put a hesitant hand on my back. The sentiment had a ghost of familiarity in it – practically his every waking moment had been spent tending to me in some way or another, hadn’t it? – but the movement itself was too awkward. He didn’t move like the man I’d danced with, dispatched zombies alongside; he moved stiffly. Like someone who’d been bedridden for days, and had never been that limber or graceful beforehand. He seemed to want to apologize, but of course, didn’t know what to apologize for. I crossed my arms, pulling his coat so tight it hurt to breathe. It was all that was left of him, wasn’t it? It and its endless, meticulously-sewn pockets and horde of trash. If only … Silly thought. If only his mind was hidden somewhere in this godforsaken half-ton coat.

 

There was nothing to hold the tears back now, nothing but sheer force of will. I didn’t want to cry, I wouldn’t cry, not over this – not over whatever this was. So – so he’s been all weird and split-personality-like before. He’ll snap out of it, I tried to tell myself. He will. He’ll revert to his normal self again. But, in between trying to comfort me, I heard him murmuring to himself, questioning his whereabouts. His voice was so … strange. Sweet and innocent. So irrefutably not him, even Dean wouldn’t be able to hold his grudge. I managed the tiniest of smiles – well, there was one good thing, right?

 

“I’m sorry,” he tried finally, apparently taking heart from my slight change in expression, “but … I don’t know where this is. Could you please tell me?”

 

God damn, he was so polite. Man wakes up in an unfamiliar place with some girl he doesn’t know having a breakdown all over him, and it’s I’m sorry and please. I sniffled. It would’ve been funny if it just hadn’t sucked so badly.

 

“This is the Park,” I mumbled.

 

“I’m sorry, where?”

 

“Stop apologizing,” I moaned, rolling my head back and closing my eyes. “It’s just not … right.”

 

“I’m sorry,” he said automatically. Then: “Oh.”

 

I almost giggled. Now I’m going off the deep end, I thought. Woo-hoo. Is it fun over here, Jonathan? I guess I’ll find out soon enough. I wiped my eyes and started cuffing the sleeve back up unevenly just for something to do while I tried to figure out what to tell him. Deciding it made as good mile-marker as any, I started, “You know what Gas Z –?”

 

But he’d reached out to stop my hand. He rolled the fabric of the coat sleeve between two fingers contemplatively, then looked back up at me. The foggy, confused look had entered his eyes again, but it was the best thing I’d ever seen to recognize what looked like the real him struggling to fight to the surface. Oh – oh you know it, yes, yes, yes – I could’ve been insulted, but I guessed he’d had the damn coat a lot longer than he’d known me. I would take whatever I got. Slowly, he released the sleeve and reached up to touch my cheek hesitantly. I covered his hand with mine. His brow furrowed, and his lips moved as if he was going to speak, but no sound came out.

 

“Jonathan?” I dared.

 

“Trinity…?”

 

But it was too soon to celebrate. In the next instant he’d shot to his feet and leapt away, the almost-familiar look in his eyes replaced by nothing but sheer insanity. Already on the other side of the room, he hissed and dropped to a crouch, shoulders tense. God, he was more animal than human being without any serum. I knew I had to restrain him before he broke out or destroyed anything, but it was with absolutely no pleasure that I jumped after and –

 

He caught me by one hand and looped an arm around my waist. What the hell –? Again his eyes had changed, back to that unsure squint just like that morning. No voices had to urge me to go with him when he stepped quickly into that familiar old dance of his, and none had to tell me I’d better not take my eyes off his.

 

(… When he spun me away, I returned to him without even considering my action. It was what was natural, what was right; when you’re spun away, you spin back…)

 

Tam Lin, I thought suddenly. It took me a second to remember the legend, but when I did, I knew how well it fit. I remembered comparing Dean and myself to Romeo and Juliet, and though Dean had proved he wasn’t exactly a star-crossed lover – I couldn’t recall Romeo ever smashing into his lady and knocking her out momentarily – this comparison was really no worse. Tam Lin may have been captured by a faery queen who changed his shape in order to deter Janet, but this Janet had to hold on just as persistently. Instead of a bear and a python, Jonathan was a madman and some sort of … compulsive dancer …

 

(… And like returns to like, and madness joins with madness – and when he bowed me over and kissed me, that too seemed natural and right …)

 

There was no Dean appearing from the shadows this time, and that seemed to disturb Jonathan’s flow. When he drew away his expression was not so much confused as just slightly puzzled – it must have been like déjà vu with an unseen twist. It certainly was for me, and I was possessed of all my wits. He looked down at me, seeming to be entirely himself and only wondering how he’d gotten me in such a position. Then he quirked an eyebrow and smiled slightly – not smiled really but smirked. It was undeniably the look I was used to. He’s back – I held on long enough. I smiled back. I saved him from the faery queen of his own mind.

“J –” I started, but he pulled me upright and silenced me. Without thinking twice (questionably without thinking once), I put my arms around him, and his hands slipped inside the coat to rest on my hips – and my heart pounded in my ears but said nothing but DeanDean DeanDean DeanDean DeanDean. I pushed away abruptly, reeling back to smash my fist into the nearest wall. A screw bit into my knuckles. F*ck it! No! No, no, no – not him, not now, not ever again, you hear me? Stop it! If ever I did, I do not want –

 

“Trinity?” Though it was colored with an unusual doubtfulness (and a slight breathlessness), it was definitely Jonathan’s voice. For a second it didn’t register that he was talking to me – I wondered, momentarily, why he didn’t call me Jamie. Damn it – of course he wouldn’t. I said stop it! “What’s wrong?”

 

I turned back to him, hiding my bloody knuckles behind my back automatically. All that anger at Dean or myself or whoever was deserving of it had vanished, but not before it had burned away any other feelings except confusion and awkwardness. I found myself looking down and blinking erratically, and while my heart was no longer beating out any words, its thrumming was just as hectic. “I … I … Are you okay?”

 

“I am perfectly fine,” he said calmly. “If somewhat disoriented. And suffering.”

 

“Suffering?” I asked, alarmed.

 

He gave me that scathing oh, come on, princess look and crossed his arms. I blushed furiously, realizing what he meant, and mumbled something like an apology before realizing that was just stupid. “You’ve been … um … Out of it. Unconscious. We’re back at the Park,” I said hastily.

 

He nodded slowly. “I know.”

 

“You … know?”

 

“I wasn’t completely gone,” he hedged. “No. Not entirely.”

 

I swallowed, running a hand over my knuckles and finding them healed. I tried to think of something else, anything else, to say. My brain wasn’t functioning well enough to try and pursue that, however much I might’ve wanted to; hell, it was barely functioning well enough to make me breathe regularly. Jonathan, on the other hand, had completely regained his composure, although I couldn’t be imagining the slight lingering flush to his usually-pale skin.

 

“Rae arrived, yes?” he filled in. “With a little boy and someone else. A man.”

 

I nodded quickly, grateful to find some subject I could think about without sending my heart rate back up. “Sam. Tai’s the kid, and Sam. L-Look, are you –?”

 

“I’m fine,” he insisted shortly. The he admitted, “Starving.”

 

Aha. Now that I could remedy. Surely cooking was something I could manage. I rushed over to the kitchen area, lighting a few candles on the way and stoking the fireplace to life. Soon the Rec Room was flooded with a flickering orange light – and I absolutely refused to think of all the romancey scenes in movies that were set in candlelight or by a fire. I mean really – Romeo and Juliet and Tam Lin were bad enough, the last thing I needed was b-rate romantic comedies. I found where Tera had stashed the bread, and even decided to splurge and fry some bacon. It would keep my hands and mind occupied longer. It would also let me keep from looking toward Jonathan – or so I’d thought; just as the fire was getting big enough to start frying, he came over to stand behind me and rolled the fabric of the coat’s shoulder between his fingers in an eerily familiar gesture.

I woke slowly, almost pleasantly. Once the peace faded away, it was incredibly disorienting – not being woken by gunshots or shouting or even harsh sunlight in my eyes. Was I actually waking up because I’d slept enough? That hadn’t happened in a while. Might as well enjoy it, I thought at first, but though I tried to ease my mind back into sleep, I’d already become too aware by then – of the warmth against my back I glowingly realized was Jonathan, of the quiet cooking sounds, of distant banging I took to be construction noises. No one was prompting me to get up and work, and yet they were working. I managed to delight in that for a moment before feeling guilty and regretfully opening my eyes.

 

In the kitchen area, Rae and Sam moved about with what seemed like deliberate stealth. Could they have possibly been purposefully trying not to wake Jonathan and I? Maybe Rae had decided to take pity on me, knowing how late I had been awake. Or maybe they just didn’t want to break the strange serenity this morning held – held for me, at least. Perhaps it was just lingering happiness from the night before. I turned my head lazily to look at Jonathan for a moment, reveling in the fact that twenty-four hours previous, that face had been waxen and pained, and now, because of me, it was calm and peaceful. Because of me … the hunter, the killer, the exterminator. Maybe the services I could do humanity weren’t as limited as I feared. Then I distinctly remembered the voice in my head whining last night about how sharing a bed was different, realized it was probably right, and flushed as I wondered what Sam had thought when he’d come in and seen us. Rae, surely, hadn’t been surprised at least. Right? … Well. It was a little late to consider the possible repercussions now.

 

At least Dean wasn’t around. I assumed he was the one making noise outside, as Tera was sitting at the table looking drowsy but content as she spoke quietly to Tai. I heard the name ‘Kenny’ as well as others I didn’t recognize – I guess she was telling him some story of her life. Lacking televisions and storybooks, it seemed we all had to draw off our own experiences to entertain him, but I doubted a one of us did it begrudgingly. I appeared to have hit the nail on the head with my absent-minded comment the night before – he certainly was ours, collectively. We rallied around him in a way; he was our mascot, the one thing we all saw eye-to-eye on. All except, maybe (I looked over my shoulder again), Jonathan. But he would come around. I was sure of it.

 

I managed to slip out from under his arm quietly and without disturbing him. I automatically reached for the coat where it lay on the dresser between our beds, but when I started to pull its now-familiar weight across my shoulders, I paused. After a moment I let it fall onto the foot of the bed – I would only wear it now if Jonathan gave me his permission. It just didn’t seem right otherwise.

 

Pulling my hair up out of my face, I wandered first over to the kitchen area to offer my help. Though I was waved away, I did catch Sam giving me a rather interested look. Had anyone told him anything about Jonathan before today, I wondered, and for that matter have they now? Or, as far as he’s concerned, am I basically two-faced, switching allegiances between Dean and Jonathan haphazardly? I turned away and headed for the table, telling myself to stop caring what others thought about me, before realizing that any strange looks he gave me probably had little to do with any relationships I might have, and more to do with the fact that he’d found out I was some kind of … mutant. So I really couldn’t blame him for any of it.

 

Tera bid me a weary good morning that was more than made up for by Tai’s exuberant one. Smiling at them both in return, I asked after Dean and had his whereabouts confirmed.

 

“He’s in a weird mood,” Tera told me. “He seemed perfectly sincere when he was apologizing to Sam last night, and I swear he’s been working at that wall ever since.”

 

I thanked her and sat with them for a little while, thinking. I wanted to be up-front with Dean – I didn’t want him to just come into the Rec Room later and see Jonathan upwardly mobile and quite likely hanging onto me. Not only because it might shock him into losing that temper again, but also because it would hurt him, I knew. I did … care about him. I hated his guts and felt like throttling him half the time, but still. I also wasn’t sure I actually wanted to be the one to break the news to him myself – especially with him in some kind ‘mood’ – but sending someone else wouldn’t be fair at all.

 

So, not without some trepidation, I rose and headed for the door. I could feel eyes on me – Tera’s at least, who probably had some inkling of what I was doing, and possibly Tai’s and the others’. It was almost a relief to close the door on that, though it was cold outside. I found myself simultaneously wishing I’d grabbed Jonathan’s coat and realizing that wouldn’t have been the best way to greet Dean.

 

He was easy to locate; all I had to do was follow the hammering. The side wall – the one opposite the river – was the longest and had been the most badly damaged. Now, after his work, it was looking like it was probably the sturdiest, except for the part he was still reinforcing. Crossing my arms for warmth, I stopped a couple yards away from him. I couldn’t for the life of me think of what to say, and though it was possible he was so into his work he hadn’t noticed me, I assumed he simply chose to ignore my presence. If anyone had the right to ignore the other, I thought it was me, but – I pushed that thought away.

 

“Dean?” I asked finally.

 

He paused, but didn’t look at me. “Hey, Jamie.”

 

He did sound fairly … subdued. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all. Hesitantly, I said, “I just wanted to tell you. Jonathan’s up.”

 

“Great,” he said dully. He didn’t even pause this time.

 

“Come on, don’t be like that.”

 

He stooped to pick up another board and shifted slightly to begin hammering it up. “How’m I supposed to be?”

 

I sighed. “You know, there for a little while, on the way here, I thought maybe you two were … getting used to each other. Somehow.”

 

“Yeah. Believe it or not so did I.”

 

I was a little taken aback. More than a little, really – ‘astonished’ might be the better word, in fact. “What happened?”

 

Dean only shrugged, but he’d dropped his hammer by his side. I waited. After a moment he said, “It’s – after we were attacked by the river, and we got going again, remember how you’d hurt your ankle? You couldn’t really walk?”

 

“Yeah. You carried me. I fell asleep after a while.”

 

He nodded. I hated not being able to see his face, read his expression. “He wanted to be the one to carry you.”

 

“He did?” At first I was just amused at the thought of Jonathan – barely taller than me even if wider through the shoulders, as his precious coat demonstrated – trying to carry me all the way Dean surely had. Then I scowled. “So what’s wrong with that?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

He started hammering again brusquely. My eyes narrowed, but I caught myself – okay, so I shouldn’t have been so aggressive about it maybe. Unfortunately, I didn’t quite manage to stop the next comment I breathed: “God, you’re so possessive.”

 

He spun finally, his jaw tight, and pointed accusingly with the hammer. “Look, before you called me over-protective and I can deal with that, okay? I’ll defend you until the day I die, and let’s face it, that day’s gonna be a long time coming. You can just get used to it. And maybe a little possessiveness comes with that, so what? What’s wrong with that?”

 

“I don’t like being – treated like I can’t take care of myself, okay?” I defended, crossing my arms more tightly. “And that’s what it feels like when you’re constantly looking over my shoulder.”

 

“Yeah, and he’s always –”

 

I continued talking right over him. “You remember when Jonathan and I found Erin’s body? Right before … everything that went down there? You didn’t even believe what I said – you had to come double-check it. I mean how many corpses do you see around a given place that’re wearing nurses’ uniforms, right? Must be a lot.”

 

“I was just –” He struggled for a second. “I was mad, okay? But I wanted to talk to you, and – and I didn’t expect Rae to want to come along, you know?”

 

“So later you just decided to kiss her instead,” I muttered.

 

“Jamie, I said I was sorry,” he said seriously. “It’s just … She was grateful, I guess, because I got her out of there, and … it happened. I didn’t mean for it to. I don’t think she really did either.” He hesitated. “Anyway – you’re not mad at her, right? So that’s not what really bothers you, is it?”

 

“No, I guess not,” I had to admit. I looked up. “I’d like to tell you and Rae to have fun and ride off into the sunset, to be honest, but I know you wouldn’t so why bother?”

 

He winced. “You really want that?”

 

“No,” I sighed. “But if you did things’d be simpler.”

 

I gnawed on my lip, then made myself stop and ground my teeth instead. Dean tapped the hammer against his leg; neither of us seemed to know what to say. Interesting parallel – with Jonathan I made myself not talk, and with Dean I didn’t know how.

 

He was the one to break the ice. “My problem,” he said, slowly and meaningfully, “I admit, has everything to do with the way he’s … always with you. You realize this is the first time I’ve seen you – conscious – without him hanging onto you practically ever since he … showed up? And that by itself, maybe,” he was quick to put in, “maybe I could deal with. But Jamie – don’t you remember what he did? He kidnapped a little girl for god’s sake, and he held a knife to her throat until you traded yourself for her.”

 

“I know, but – he was only doing what he had to to survive,” I defended weakly.

 

“Yeah, well, he didn’t need you to survive.”

 

Maybe he only wanted company, chimed one naïve little voice. He’d been alone down there for so long, remember? Another scoffed, What do you think Dean and Jonathan are fighting over, your heart?

 

I was especially tired of hearing that old admonishment come back to haunt me. Probably only because I couldn’t quite completely assure myself it wasn’t true – after all I couldn’t come close to convincing myself Jonathan had been especially interested in my heart when I’d made that little trade-off in the sewers. And I was pretty sure he wouldn’t have been concerned too heavily with the state of my heart if Dean hadn’t come in when he had.

 

Dean sighed. We both seemed to be doing that a lot. “I’m sorry. It’s just that every time he comes up behind you or talks to you or even just f*cking looks at you, I –”

 

“Flashback,” I finished.

 

“Yeah,” he muttered, and then turned back to his work. “So forgive me if I can’t quite look the guy in the eyes.”

 

“But, Dean,” I protested, “you did say, there for a while –”

 

He held up a finger, and I stopped. “See, that’s the thing,” he said, almost confusedly. “I almost started liking him. I did. That … feeling never went away but I was getting over it, you know? I mean, I didn’t like it, but in some incredibly f*cked up way, he seemed to actually care about you and for some reason – I couldn’t deny it – you wanted to be around him.” He shrugged. “Maybe that would’ve been enough for me. To have you happy at least. But then after you got hurt, he was all, I don’t know, obsessive. You say I’m the possessive one, but you didn’t see him then. And before, when we were attacked at the river, there was something …”

 

Jonathan was smiling, laughing even, as he watched the zombies stare up at him … He let one leg dangle off the branch, tantalizing them, but swung it just an inch or so out of their grip. It seemed … cruel. The zombies were the enemy, but there was no reason to play with them as he did …

 

“… I don’t know, something I didn’t like. I know this is rich, coming from me, but he just didn’t seem quite human there for a second,” he said doubtfully. With more conviction, he continued, “And I know there was something about that whole Prison thing that just wasn’t right. Something neither of you were willing to tell me. But I let it go,” he stressed, “I let it all go until …”

 

“What?” I asked, alarmed by his hesitation. “Until what?”

 

“He stole something from me, all right?” he said, as if the admission caused his pride great deals of pain. I, though, sighed in relief.

 

“A knife?” I supplied. Dean turned back to me, looking surprised. “He took mine too, but he gave it back later,” I said, hoping against hope that would make it okay.

 

He shook his head. “No. Not a knife, something else. It doesn’t matter what. All that matters is that I had it at the bottom of my pack – if he found it, he was going through my things. And I’m sorry but that’s one of my lines in the sand.”

 

“Maybe he was looking for something –” I tried.

 

“He should’ve asked.”

 

And of course Dean was completely right. I still thought he was overreacting – but then I’d established Jonathan in my mind a someone who stole things practically without thinking about it, and I supposed without that benefit, it would seem much more malign to Dean. Maybe I was becoming over-desensitized to random crimes in a world bereft of any real law, and without a doubt I was biased in Jonathan’s favor, but still – such ado over a little theft?

 

“You should talk to him,” I said definitively.

 

“Talk to him?” Dean laughed hollowly.

 

“Oh come on – so he stole something. He went through your pack. It probably never even occurred to him that you would mind,” I insisted. “I can’t stand here and tell you he’s ever been completely right in the head, and after all that time alone in those damn sewers – I’d be shocked if he conformed to the normal rules of society.”

 

“Yeah, well I kind of expect it,” Dean said incredulously.

 

“Yeah, well you expect a lot, don’t you?” I snapped. Dean gave me a sullen look, and I switched to appeasing. “Oh – Dean, come on, it won’t be that bad. Please? I’m not asking you to become best buddies –”

 

“Good goddamn thing, too –”

 

“I’m just asking you to give him a second chance.” I restrained myself from tacking on For me? since that seemed like going just a little too far, but only barely.

 

“You’re all about second chances lately, aren’t you?” he asked wryly. It didn’t sound like a refusal, so I kept my hopeful expression on. Finally, reluctantly, he said, “All right. I’ll try, if that’s what you want.”

 

I beamed at him, and, though I internally questioned the wisdom of it, I threw my arms around him in a quick hug. Embarrassed by his surprised look, I made a quick excuse and dashed back to the Rec Room. I admit I was floating somewhat – I had managed to quash the cynical little voice that insisted Dean and Jonathan could never be friends as long as they were ‘fighting over’ me, and convinced myself that just as soon as the two reconciled their differences, my life would be as perfect as it could be. I would have them; I would have Rae; I would have the Park; I would even have Tai, whose very existence among us seemed like a wonderful omen just then. If a gray-skinned, needle-toothed, void-eyed beast could become a normal little boy, anything could happen, right?

 

Going from one extreme to the other, my spirits plummeted dramatically when I entered the Rec Room and found Jonathan wasn’t there. The voice tiredly reminded me that he was a grown man and allowed to wander off on his own, I snapped at it that I didn’t give a damn, and Tera, oblivious to this exchange, mildly told me that he’d heard we had a generator and said something vague about checking it out. I hadn’t known we still had the generator, and asked why we were using candles, then realized it obviously no longer worked. Remembering Jonathan telling Dean he knew quite a bit about the things (more precisely, the two of the bickering about it), I was finally able to completely grasp what Tera had said.

 

To my pondering silence, Tera commented, “You look like someone who hasn’t had her coffee yet.”

 

“C-Coffee?” I stammered, sitting down heavily at the table. “I don’t drink coffee. I don’t think I’ve ever had coffee in my life.”

 

“Maybe you should try it,” she said, amused.

 

“Do we have –?”

 

“Nope.”

 

Again I fell silent. For some reason I just felt … confused. What, is this what happens to you now when Jonathan’s not around? You need him to grasp simple concepts for you? I shook my head to clear the white noise, raked a hand through my hair, then jumped back up to help Rae bring breakfast to the table. My state of absent confusion lasted throughout the meal; whether or not Jonathan’s presence would indeed have ‘cured’ it or not was a moot point since he didn’t eat with us. Neither did Dean. Apparently both had said they didn’t want to be bothered – something Sam at least didn’t seem too bothered by. Remembering Rae saying he’d been so anxious to see Dean, I wondered just how betrayed he felt by his ‘brother’s rejection, not to mention the revelation that he, not just I, was something different.

 

And, like Dean himself had been earlier, the meal was subdued. It was as if without the friction the two missing men caused (three if you wanted to count David), we had nothing to do or say to each other. Even Tai’s usual glow-eyed fascination was on low-beams. After the meal we spread out somewhat – I myself wandered around the complex a few time, and found Sam at work on one section of the wall and Tera busily clearing out her hut, but caught no sign of Dean, Jonathan, or even Rae and Tai.

 

Time passed with a strange slowness. I could swear that the sky was darker at noon than it had been when I’d woken up, and it only got darker; but with the darkness came a clear-headedness for me. The wonderful morning degenerated into an afternoon and evening that only showcased our lack of unity. Even I, who had come to expect someone – be they Jonathan, Dean, Rae, or even Amy or Keith – would be there when I found myself lonely, walked and stood by myself. Eventually someone called for dinner, and we converged almost reluctantly. Tera was the first to appear, followed by Sam, who brought Tai with him. Dean came in next, his expression guarded, but not well; he was seething about something, and I thought instantly that his and Jonathan’s ‘talk’ hadn’t gone well. Of course not, I sighed to myself. After Rae entered, her arms crossed as if for protection against the rest of us, Jonathan himself came in. Smudges of grease marked his face and hands (what I could see of them under the coat’s sleeves), but at Tera’s query, he shook his head. Still no electricity then.

 

Somehow we ended up segregated with all the men on one side of the table and all the women on the other – I really had no idea how that’d happened, and I probably would’ve found it a little funny if it hadn’t been for the atmosphere in the room. Tai as always was the exception, as he sat next to his mother on ‘our’ side; I sat next to her with Tera on my other side, and Jonathan had gotten lodged between Sam and Dean straight across from me, maybe as a sort of buffer. He seemed completely unbothered (though I didn’t believe for a second he was oblivious) by their stiffness and silence.